Hi!  And welcome to the Single Dad’s Guide to Fake News.  It’s another crazy week and another crazy ten items on the list.  As tempted as I am to go to eleven because this one always goes to eleven, I believe we will keep the news to the top ten stories of the week, which we at the Guide love to twist.  Why do we love to twist these stories?  Because life is too serious as it is.  And the world needs to be peopled!  Wait.  No!  We do it because we need to laugh as much as you do.  So welcome to the Single Dad’s Guide to Fake News: Volume 11.

What is Fake News?  Well aside from the banter between political parties trying to decry the other side as wrong, Fake News means made up stories.   It comes down to one person telling a tall tale and bringing it to the public.  I suppose it doesn’t make the Fake News we tell always fake.  It just makes it . . . hyperbole (Read Fake.  Eat your heart out Brian Williams.).  Because here at the Guide we are excited to bring to you the biggest news stories of the day and twisted to bring to you the best of flying rattlesnakes, Jedis fighting Star Lords, and basketball stars getting no love.  

  • Save

 

We always have to get bigger and better, which is why this one will go to eleven.  And because I can’t possibly wait to bring this to you any longer as it will just be me wasting time, the Guide Proudly presents to you The Single Dad’s Guide to Fake News: Volume 11.


The Single Dad’s Guide to Fake News: Volume 11

  • Save

1) Bust-A-Bear!  

Contrary to your thought of a strange scene with a police officer with a teddy bear, this is something completely different.  Kind of.  When it comes to brilliance in the world of stuffed toys, no one does it quite like Build-A-Bear.  Of course, the next obvious questions is: “how brilliant are they?” They are so brilliant they decided to make a day where you paid for your Build-A-Bear the amount of your age . . . which would make me 29!?!?  Thanks, Build-A-Bear for making me out to be so young.  I now feel like every beautiful woman who still gets carded at the bar.  Woohoo!

But of course, their brilliance stopped somewhere about the time they planned the amount of product they would have to have to make it through the day.  If they were a bank and it had been a run on the bank, they would have been broke, busted, and bankrupt.  They had to go so far as to stop the special hours into the day.  Somehow I don’t think it will ingratiate them to their future customers as they will have the memory of crying as they had to walk away from the Build-A-Bear that one day.  Yup!  Brilliance!

  • Save

2) Friday The Thirteenth The Tattoo Holiday.  Who knew?

People think of all kinds of things when it comes to Friday the 13th.  Some people run away from black cats, broken mirrors, and ladders.  Others become afraid of some creepy guy named Jason wearing a ski mask.  Or is that they are watching some silly movie with some zombie guy formerly known as Jason wearing a hockey mask and chasing high school coeds.  It must be one of those things.  But who knows?  And then there are the people who think it is the best time in the world to start a horror movie marathon.  No, wait.  That’s just me.

But what I never knew was despite it being National Fry Day it turned out to be a Tattoo Holiday.  Because we can never get enough of those fake holidays.  Friday the 13th only, at some of the finest or sleaziest tattoo parlors around the country, they will be giving you a huge deal on already created tattoo designs.  You can get moons, creepy black cats, and many more tattoos with the number 13 added to them for the low price of thirteen dollars with a seven dollar tip to balance out your bad luck with some good luck.  Now, what was that tattoo I wanted to get again?  I think it had Zack Galifianackis head on it.  Or maybe not.

  • Save

3) Adam Ditches Eve After Taking A Bite Of Forbidden Fruit.  Kids Not Happy.

What do John Edwards, Toger Woods, and Ewan McGregor have in common?  Their middle name is Adam.  Ok, maybe not Adam, but Mr. Ewan McGregor got a little of the forbidden fruit offered up by too many people in the Hollywood community and cheated on his wife Eve, of 22 years during the filming of Fargo.  Somehow this forbidden fruit convinced Mr. McGregor to keep eating and to leave his wife altogether, despite his infidelity being nakedly broadcast before the world.

I know when it comes to being so self-important you don’t notice your own foibles Hollywood takes the cake.  But it seems to infect people from overseas who visit, dragging them into the morass of moral meaninglessness.  Of course, the self-importance gets so intense it blinds one to how it might affect his kids.  Or it just makes it so one doesn’t care.  I suppose you could argue about which is worse.  But it’s obvious his kids are upset by the subtle, or not so subtle, trash talk directed towards his forbidden fruit. Ah, Hollywood!

  • Save

4) Orange You Glad I Didn’t Say Fair Again?

Wait.  No.  I will say Fair again.  And Again.  As Orange County, California, celebrates its 128th annual one of these.  Because the last 127 Fairs were not enough, evidently.  Part of me is trying to imagine what the first one of them must have been like.  Given it would have taken place in the year 1890, it would have been a whole different world.  

First of all, Orange County would have been empty for the most part.  And then no cars would have been taking people to the fair, which would have meant horse and buggies.  And finally, the number of schools in the area would really reduce the 4H clubs participating.  I’m guessing.  So it would mean this fair is nothing like the ones they did once upon a time.

Ah well.  Crowds are now flocking there to get the best of carnival rides, exhibits, shows, concerts, attractions, and food.  But mostly just the food.  Which means they have all come to make sure if the speed dial number they got for their primary care physician really works.  Between fried Twinkies, donut hamburgers and hot dogs longer than the length of a car, one can get your cholesterol fill of the year all in one sitting.  Woohoo!  (Shhhh!  Don’t tell anyone I love the Deep Fried Snickers Sundae.)

  • Save

5) Margaery Tyrell Declares Game Of Thrones Completely Realistic.  Sexually Speaking That Is.

So Natalie Dormer, the former Margaery Tyrell of Game of Thrones fame believes what makes the sex in Game of Thrones so great is the raw and real nature of the couplings.  As a Game of Thrones fan and aficionado, it’s not something I would have put alongside the marvelous series.  Creepy.  Explores the depravity of man.  Lives in Freud’s fever dreams.  But never real.

Game of Thrones operates on the level of a series about the giant Id of man.  It’s possible were we to secretly film the machinations of political figures, it would look a lot like Game of Thrones.  But for the most part, I believe whether through social convention, or conscience we have things which stop us from doing some of the crazy things these Game of Thrones stars attempt on screen.

Then again, we have a history of the whole Roman world out there to debate the depravity of man and how far it can take us when we believe we have total authority.   So maybe she’s more right than I would like to give her credit for.  But I just can’t ride with her along the logic of the violence being realistic because . . . dragons.  Oh and Zombies. And fairies.  And wait . . . Ok so maybe the headline should have read the late Ms. Tyrell Believes Zombie Nightwatch Captain Bedding Dragon Riding Queen On Boat Is Completely Believable.  I just think the title is too long.

  • Save

6) Black Widow Doesn’t Have A Ghost Of A Chance Turning Trans.

Scarlet Johansson has developed into quite an actress in Hollywood.  She plays ex-Russian spies with spectacular martial art skills and Asian women turned into robots hell-bent on destroying the people who made her this way.  Whether believable or not, she certainly has a diverse resume when it comes to roles she has taken.

Evidently, Johansson accepted one role too many when it comes to crazy people she’s nothing at all like.  Accepting the role of Dante Tex Gil was a bridge too far for many within the trans community, as they proceeded to lambaste her for taking on such a role.  So Scarlett decided enough was enough and she wouldn’t be playing said role.  I guess this marks the death of acting, as someone can no longer play what they are not.  Or wait.  Hmm…

  • Save

7) Walmart Declares Facebook Pansies As They Up The Information Gathering Game With Spy Equipment.

As firms are rapidly trying to pretend they are keeping your information confidential and have no interest in using your information for their own nefarious purposes, Walmart decided it has no interest at pretense.  Of course, Walmart isn’t exactly a social media company so no one thinks about them when it comes to invasion of your personal space or information.

Evidently, they wish to change that view as they have just patented new spyware to get more accurate recordings of their employees and others in their stores.  Because you can’t just stop at finding out where they shop or what they purchase.  They need to make sure they see what you are doing, and what you are saying to other people and staff.  Because somehow the receipts they get are not enough.  Facebook.  Eat your heart out!

  • Save

8)  Bend, Oregon.  Official Podunk Community Of The World.

Like so many others, after watching James Veitch and seeing all the Blockbuster chain stores close around me, I assumed not one Blockbuster store would be left in the world.  And while there may be some stores left in the backwaters of India or in the outer reaches of China, Blockbuster has officially closed every store but one inside the United States.  

Where would that be? Bend, Oregon.  The last of the chain stores holding out in the United States.  And what’s crazier? They have the old floppy disk drives, blue shirts, and crazy blue and white stores they had back in the day.  I’m hoping they have had a paint job between now and the opening of the store but who knows?  I’m curious if their VHS selection is just as large and how many people in the community still have VHS players.  Oooohhh.  Do they have Beta too???

  • Save

9) Blizzard Excited To Announce Players Get Yelp-Like Reviews.

In a spirit of friendliness, Blizzard announced players get reviews on their game platform which makes the play less toxic.  At the start of the plan, I am guessing Blizzard would declare this new aspect of gameplay an unqualified success.  As they allow more interactivity in gameplay, the ability to know what other people have thought of a particular person and their ability to co-operate would at first blush seem great.

Of course, as gameplay progresses and people join up in guilds and pair off against one another, there is no possible way this could backfire, right?  Because people will still be themselves and not turn a fun space into a game of politics by other means because we don’t do those sorts of things.  And no group would ever decide to ostracize an individual they didn’t like by having all their members simultaneously give bad reviews to this person.  And of course even if this did happen they couldn’t turn this person into a pariah, right?  Because like Anne Frank I find people good at heart.  Now, what about that oceanfront property in Arizona you were going to sell me?  Or was it a quicksilver mine?

  • Save

10) PTSD Means Part Time Stripper Diva According To Ariana Grande

I can only imagine what has gone on in the last couple of years dealing with the fallout of people being blown up at a concert.  I wouldn’t want to have to deal with it.  And I can only imagine what it would make me think.  Certainly, I would be afraid to get up on stage again.  And I might never want to be in front of an audience as I would be afraid for them as much as I would be afraid for myself.  So the interesting engagement choices and shying away from the spotlight, not hard to understand.

Her claiming PTSD from the event would not surprise me in the slightest.  I just didn’t really understand it meant Part Time Stripper Diva.  I mean the Diva part was easy because she licked a donut and left it at the donut shop.  But the part-time stripper . . . ok, maybe it wasn’t shocking given her previous videos.  But she kicked it up a notch with her latest video God is a Woman.  Between lying half-naked in a pool of I’m not sure what aside from paint to a half-naked silhouette to a giant set of legs with big light coming from the center, she made sure we all knew she was keeping her naked music video habits and kicking them up a notch.  That’s a lesson from overseas I would never have learned.  Mic dropped.


  • Save

Continue the Conversation

So what did you think of this week’s Fake News top ten?  Did it make it all the way to eleven?  Or will I have to kick it up to a new level?  Maybe I need to bring in Spinal Tap to sing their most famous song for us?  What do you think?  Whatever you may think, you gotta love going to eleven.  What is your favorite story of the week?  And be sure to let us know of any crazy stories you here.  I would love to add them and give you credit.

Like / Share / Follow

If you liked this post then you are as nutty as I am.  Which is a good thing, I hope.  And also, you should really hit the like button at the end as it gives me a clue into your interests, hobbies, or wait . . . no.  This is not Facebook!  Hit like because you want to and it’s cool.  Also, share this post with your friends.  And don’t forget to follow us here at the Guide for the craziest of things going on.  You won’t want to miss a moment.  And for those of you who haven’t got the chance.  Be sure to check out The Dad Rules on the menu as they are ten hilarious rules every dad should know about.  Thanks for stopping by.

Until next time, this is me signing off.

David Elliott, Single Dad’s Guide to Life

  • Save