Hi! And Welcome back to the Single Dad’s Guide to Fake News. It’s been a crazy week out there, with much insanity shared throughout the world, including more great fake news coming to you from some exotic locations not named the United States. So what are we to do about it? Go shout it from the mountain of course. Or maybe a blog. So we proudly present to you the finest fake news source in the land, The Single Dad’s Guide to Fake News: Volume 9.
What is the Single Dad’s Guide to Fake News, you ask? It’s every rational fear that you ever had in your life as you sit in your bedroom holding your knees tightly to your chest, rocking back and forth, mumbling to yourself. Or maybe it’s just something you can laugh at. We hope it’s the latter . . . mostly. Our version of fake news doesn’t quite reach the level of made up pizza parlor sex rings. Neither does it straddle the line of truth the mainstream media puts forth. Plain and simple, our Fake News is derived from real headlines out there to be found and twisted to turn it into something entirely different. So sometimes our Fake News might be truer than true news . . . or something like that. Whatever it is, it’s certainly funnier.
But I don’t want to sit here wasting your time forever. There are plenty of garbage television shows out there for you to do that with. I’m good with just wasting 15 minutes. So sit back, relax, and enjoy the latest in our Ode to Fake News: Volume 9.
The Single Dad’s Guide To Fake News: Volume 9
1) James Bond has a License “essere cattivo” as the Astin Marin goes Italian with the Superleggera.
When it comes to licenses to kill, James Bond has them all. Or at least that’s what Ian Flemming and Albert Broccoli would have you believe. (Who trust a guy with the last name Broccoli anyway? Honestly!). But when it comes to Licenses to be naughty . . . oh, wait. That’s right. James Bond has that on lock as well. Because no one hops into more women’s beds than James Bond. (As long as you don’t include Wilt Chamberlain of course.)
But now James Bond has the opportunity to get a little naughty, Italian style, as the Astin Martin releases its new vehicle Superleggera. With speeds from 0 to 60 in a little over three seconds, a tops speed coming in around 220, and a sleek body to die for, James Bond will have a License to thrill or essere cattivo in the near future at a theater coming to you. Coming to a theater and a car dealer near you, this November.
2) Hardee’s: Where the food is the star . . . so long as you subtract a couple of lines from the star and add Hepatitis in front of it.
In a bid to make sure Taco Bell doesn’t get ahead of the pack in giving out life-altering infectious diseases, Hardees makes sure we all are grateful running to the collective restroom after a Taco Bell visit. Deep in the heart of North Carolina, one Hardees restaurant had a problem. Although problem maybe a light description for what occurred. Because one of the food handling staff didn’t think it was much of a problem to bring Hepatitis to work with him and then handle a whole bunch of food for the customers.
And now, through the generosity of our government officials, they are giving out free Hepatitis A vaccines to all of the people who ate at the Hardees restaurant between June 13th and June 23rd. With just under one-half of all exposed people in the area coming in to get vaccines, it leaves over 1500 people out there possibly exposed to this highly contagious disease limiting your liver’s ability to function. As intriguing as having yellow skin might be to people, we at the Guide suggest getting a vaccine right away, and staying away from anyone who’s skin resembles the color of Tweety Bird. It just makes good sense.
3) Fake News Abides . . . Even In Mexico. And I Take Comfort In That.
Whether the Big Lebowski resides in Mexico or not, we at the Guide refuse to research. What we can say is Mexico is the land of Margaritas, Mole, Mariscos, and Fake News. How can it be the land of Fake news you ask? Isn’t that relegated to the United States alone? As much as (he who shall not be named) has popularized the term, we are actually well behind the curve when it comes to fake news. Other countries like Iran, North Korea, and Russia made sure that their oppressive regimes did much more to alter the consciousness of its citizens than the U.S.
All those communist or theocratic regimes have a press that is not free. Mexico and the U.S., on the other hand, purport to have a free press. This can make the press more dangerous, like irresponsible flying rattlesnake stories, or in the case of Mexico, more open to corruption through bribery. As in the past, the ruling party of Mexico took money to tow the party line. (Or possibly were threatened by drug cartels, whichever came first.) With the recent election, and curiously large amount of politicians disappearing, the spate of fake news is increasing, despite newly created “fact checkers.” All I can say is good luck in Mexico.
4) “Give Me Your Poor, Your Tired, Your huddled masses, yearning to make over 117,000 a year.”
Living in the State of Confusion, otherwise known as the State of California, one can be warped by the economics of the state. While in some states $40,000 is well off as you could get a house and have a good chunk of land to boot, in California, you are more likely to find yourself on the food stamp line. How is this possible you ask? Aside from inflation, and what some term as gentrification, I really have no honest answer to how economics works in California in general, or in La La Land specifically. It’s a madhouse.
And while this seems crazy, one city has taken upon its self to become the most insane city economically in our crazy State. One city stands out above the rest. San Francisco. As much as I love the look and feel of the Bay Area, I think I escaped living there with the cost of living shooting into the stratosphere. Not even policies like rent control can fix what’s going on, as the local poor person in this great city makes just over $117,000 per year. If $117,000 means being poor in San Francisco, what would you actually have to make to be well off? Trying to envision the amount of money someone would need to make in order to be considered rich makes my brain hurt. “Beam me up, Scotty!”
5) Lice, Blanket, Bingo! Or The Other Thing You Need To Be Afraid Of In The Water.
For years we were always told to alert ourselves to any sharks lurking in the water. In fact, the Stephen Spielberg masterpiece, Jaws, made a generation of kids afraid of going to any beaches whatsoever. (whether they could actually make the electronic shark they created for the film work or not.) Decades have passed since the making of that film and people did slowly make their way back to the coastline and the ocean breeze which calls to me right this very second. And people have taken to bringing their whole families out to the glorious coastlines.
But the town of Pensacola, Florida is doing the best it can to convince us to take up mountain climbing as a preferable summer escape. How? Sea lice! I know you think I am pulling your leg. Having lice survive in water seems antithetical to the nature of lice. Well, it seems these small creatures, which are actually tiny Jellyfish larvae, can get into your bathing suit and terrorize your skin cells making it look like a rash of bugs swarmed over your body and bit you every one-quarter inch. Blah! I guess I am going to make that trip to the Yosemite this year after all.
6) The United States Joins Canada In Saying It’s Howdy Doobie Time!
As Canada just decided to make sure it came out on top in the Doobie wars, the U.S. has decided it could not be outdone. Now that Canada has legalized Mary Jane for the masses (36.2 million and rising in fact), many in the U.S. Congress have jumped on the Weed Wagon . . . all points West. Chuckie “Doobie” Schumer has vocalized support for complete legalization of the munchie inducing stimulant. Or is it a suppressant? I’m guessing stimulant in the way it makes Taco Bell and Hardee’s sound appealing.
We at the Guide are unclear as to where we stand on the legalization or decriminalization of drugs. (Although life sentences for pot dealers need to end. Just saying.) What we can say is woohoo! Now let’s get onto making some gloriously awful motto for our soon to be drug dispensaries. “Make Pot Great Again” seems a bit too Trumpian. How about “WWWN” (We Want Weed Now.)? Or possibly, “What can weed do for you?” Although UPS might sue. I want to hear your ideas, so please be sure to leave some great ones in the comments. The best one voted on by me, will appear with a “do follow” link in next week’s episode.
7) The Stench That Kills
This is a story that tries to make me laugh and cry all at the same time. Sometimes it does both, which isn’t a pretty sight. Because the phrase “that stinks”, takes on a whole new meaning after this crazy story. And what better way to begin a crazy story with, “there once was a Russian Rockstar who was on a flight on Tavania leaving Gran Canaria . . .”
Now that you are all on the edge of your seat, I will continue. Because it appears this Rockstar picked up something other than an STD and cirrhosis of the liver after being in Gran Canaria. This infection he attained was so bad it caused his body tissue to start dying . . . while he was still living. He then went on a plane to try to get medical attention but the stench was so bad the flight now is nicknamed Air Vomit One. They made an emergency exit due to the smell of the passenger in Portugal. While it may have spared the passengers the necessity for more paper bags, it did not save the poor man. Whatever the case, I now know, you stink to death, is a real thing.
8) I Left My Heart, My Wallet, and 2000 Bucks I Paid For A Tip To Myself In San Francisco.
So once again, we turn to the sunny shores of California and to the city that looks down on the rest of us and sneers in San Francisco. What could possibly going on there now you ask? It turns out that restaurants are a little short staffed. Aside from the local teens whose parents make so much money they don’t really need the summer jobs, they cannot get enough local help to work in the service industry. Somehow they don’t understand, no person in their right mind tips $100 for a 40 dollar meal.
What all of this means is that the restaurants in the area cannot possibly hire good wait staff. As generous as the tips might be, $300 a night plus wages would never cover the cost of an apartment where poor people make $117,000 a year. Maybe at $500 a night they could skate by, but imagine the cost of the food at a restaurant where you got $500 in tips a night?!?!? Then try to imagine a restaurant where the food for a family of four costs $75 dollars. No wait staff could live on that little.
Their solution? Serve yourself. It turns out, more and more restaurants in the Bay area have turned into serving yourself establishments where little to no wait staff is necessary. The question of why you would even need to go to a restaurant and why don’t you just make a meal at home does come to mind at this point. But never mind. If I am lazy and I do not want to cook my whole meal, I will have to go somewhere and serve myself. Wait. What?
9) Give A Hoot! Don’t Pollute . . . Well . . . Everyone Except Me Anyway.
One brilliant (or fanatical depending on how you see it), man’s way of dealing with the pollution problem in L.A.: put up a big sign and dance around half-naked on a freeway road sign. Makes perfect sense of course. Because the biggest way to get recognition for your cause is to make such a public nuisance of yourself, you cause the fire department to bring out two giant mattresses out and stall traffic trying to get the guy down before he does a backflip onto the mattresses.
I suppose one might suggest there were further reasons for him going out there and dancing around with just a pair of boxer shorts on. There could be a possibility he was out there trying to make a music video without having to pay any city fees for using public property to film. And it could also be they filmed the whole thing to be released in the next couple of weeks. In addition, it’s possible he could have cared less about pollution and more about his own image. But I’m just being too cynical . . . right?
10) A rotting filet mignon, a bottle of expired grape juice, and a smartphone. What could possibly go wrong?
The increasing ability for smartphones to invade our lives and extract every bit of information it can from us, all selling it to the highest bidder, surprises even me. And then people run around acting self-righteous about Facebook. But I digress. Wait. Look at that shiny new tool our smartphone provides us. Heart Beat Monitor? Right on! Video editor. Awesome! Fashion designer? Totally cool! Food tester? What?!?!
Yup! People are developing an app for your smartphone which will measure the amount of gas in the air your food produces when it begins to rot. As a person who isn’t always sure whether he has left a steak in the refrigerator too long, I can see how it could be useful. But some part of me just cannot get over the idea of sticking your smartphone next to rotting food and hoping the result will be good.
It is one thing to drop your cell phone over the floor. It is another to drop it over last week’s Fettucine Alfredo. Even if your cell phone is waterproof, imagine trying to clean that off. I’m thinking they should come up with a better smartphone app, like predicting the future, or determining whether a person is lying to you. At least my cell phone won’t end up in a mixture of rotten eggs.