Hi! And welcome to the monthly melee into all things mendacious. You have entered the perpetual Spin Zone where liars are ballyhooed and the truth is scoffed at. You have entered the Single Dad’s Guide to Fake News. We are happy to bring back this series for the month of March with another dip into the well of all the craziness happening around us in the last month. From Crab Nights to Joe Bros on the Iron Throne we have all the crazy here, brought directly to you. We welcome you to the Guide as we proudly present the Single Dad’s Guide to Fake News: Volume 25.
For those hiding in a bunker for the last few months, the Single Dad’s Guide to fake news brings to you all the craziest stories of the week garnered from the Google Trends News Aggregator. We take those stories and bring them directly to you . . . mostly. Actually we do a bit to embellish the stories to make them fun and readable. And because they could be true. Right? Right? Ok, maybe not. But we’d like to believe them.
While I would love to spend hours and hours telling you of the wondrous virtues of fake news, despite a certain politicians decrying of it, I think it’s more important to bring all the news that’s unfit to print directly to you. Check out all the latest and greatest in all things nutty as the Guide proudly presents The Single Dad’s Guide to Fake News: Volume 25.
The Single Dad’s Guide To Fake News: Volume 25
1) Knights of the Old Crab Leg Square off in a Tong Duel To The Death
You can touch my “fill in the blank” but you dare not lay a hand on my “fill in the blank.” Or as in a Doritos commercial of years past, you shouldn’t touch either the Momma or the Doritos. But who would have known that Crab Legs would lead people to blows. Don’t get me wrong. I love my crab legs. But getting into duels to the death over them are not my cup of tea. But it would appear nothing can stop the Knights of the Old Crab Leg.
In Huntsville Alabama, two valiant Knights of the Old Crab Leg decided that delicious seafood delicacy at a buffet was worth a duel to the death over. Several hours and a police arrest later the two were taken into custody after they fought over said crab leg with pairs of tongs in place of their swords. (We are sure they must have left their swords and armor at home . . . somewhere.) Whether the victor was able to toss a rose at his crab leg lady fair, we could not decipher. But they may have to do it from behind bars after destroying this little buffet joint.
2) Whisky Connoisseurs (Read Whisky Companies Who Make Overpriced Scotch Whisky) Attack Cheap Whisky For Claiming Worlds Best.
When it comes to Whiskey, cheap may actually be better. Or at least this was the assumption after a relatively inexpensive bottle of Whisky was named best Whisky in the world. This was such an affront to those elitist Whisky drinkers they decided to take to Forbes and other elitist magazines to disabuse us of the idea that this Cheap Whisky might actually be better. You might say they had some financial incentive for doing so. Almost as if they had been paid off, or took it as an affront to their sophisticated (and well paid for) palates.
Somehow they decided to tell us cretins that some other Whisky was definitely better because this one only beat out those 12 years and younger. And it only won round one according to the committee. The fact it blew away the competition for bottles which cost 3 to 10 times the price . . . no matter. It’s a loser because we need to explain why it’s not really a winner. Even if true and only winning round one, here’s to hoping it wins rounds 2 and 3 as well. And go out and buy that 18 dollar a bottle inexpensive brand . . . before the owners of said whisky become the next Whisky Connoisseur to tell you what you should and shouldn’t drink. (If you want to know my thoughts about stuffy alcohol tasters, check out John Cleese’s Wine For the Confused video.)
3) Green And Brown. Not Just Things Found In The Toilet Anymore.
When I think about green and brown, never in my wildest dreams do I picture them together as colors aside from the dirt trees and grass grow in, and things found in a toilet, possibly when you are ill. It appears with the increasing popularity of the avocado toast market, some fashion designer decided it was time to celebrate them with their newest line of footwear. Check out the Avocado Toast trainer by Saucony.
Get the best green and brown mixed color to wear on your own feet. Walk out of the house fearless that stepping on poop will wreck that new pair of trainers you were considering. Of course, you might want to deal with the smell after stepping in that fecal matter but whatever. Enjoy those amazing green and brown delights and take the with you everywhere. Maybe take them to Paris, San Francisco or Downtown Los Angeles through all those dirty streets with feces and needles lying around everywhere. Just remember to get your shots for Typhus first. Or better yet, go out in your ensemble with the Avocado Toast trainers and matching Hazmat Suit. It’s the look of the future.
4) Lady Gaga’s One Word For Her On Stage Affair With Bradley Cooper: Psych!
Sitting in my car the day after the Oscars and listening to all the fake news left to listen to, the big question on everyone’s mind in the fake news media was: When was Bradley Cooper going to get a divorce? Obviously the romance between he and Lady Gaga was a thing because they declared it so, despite said performance in front of Cooper’s wife and mother. You know, because we love to wreck marriages in the land of Harvey Weinstein and the ten minute annulment.
Thankfully for those of you out there sitting on pins and needles Lady Gaga had one word to confirm all of your suspicions: Psych! Because far be it from her that a love song in a romantic movie where people pretend to be people they are not for a buttload of money, should be anything other than God’s honest truth. We know this may disappoint many of those followers of the pair who delighted in seeing a marriage being ruined and a child being torn apart by the dissolution of a marriage. But whatever! We want onscreen romance validated!
5) Fornite’s Anonymous: Coming Soon To A Church Group And 12 Step Program Near You
It would appear that in the land of never ending diagnosis, we decided to come up with another one for good measure. Fortnite abuse has become the latest fad among the younger set. Teens and tweens from across the globe are being sucked in and becoming addicted to this vicious game which has now turned to disease making addiction. Stop the addiction. Pay for therapy and get them drugged before it’s too late and this addiction turns really dangerous.
Thankfully for those who are worried about their child becoming addicts as soon as 3 years old, there is relief for you. 12 Step programs and Churches are on the march. Before long they will be hauling your child off to Church to get them away from the dreaded or evil video game . . . depending on your religious conviction. That simply mandating your child gets out a couple of hours per day was suggested but quickly dispelled by all those 150 an hour psychiatrists waiting for their payout. Which makes some kind of irrational sense.
6) Sansa To Marry A Joe Bro in 2019. Will Joe Get To Sit On Iron Throne On Wedding Night?
With news about the Joe Bros getting the band back together, and the impending nuptials of the front man and Cake By The Ocean singer to the Game of Thrones temptress, I wondered which band member and brother had the most power? After all, only once person can get on the iron throne and hope to hold it. And will Joe want to be the man on the throne at the end of the night? Only the old gods and the new know. Or maybe it’s the fairy creatures. Someone knows. Just make sure to bring the Dragon Glass.
7) Suicide Squad Sequel DOA As Deadshot Abandons Sequel
Welcome to the Suicide Sequel minus the heart, and the Batman. Ok, maybe the second is addition by subtraction. But rob a movie of it’s heart and you end up with a two hour torture device to rival the best Waterboarding device around. And this Suicide Squad will be missing Will Smith.
Don’t get me wrong, Harley Quinn (Margot Robbie) made that movie. But she made that movie because we had at least one villain with which to take sympathy. Robbie’s Quinn was inspired madness, while Deadshot (Will Smith), we could root for on some base level. Just as a Suicide Squad movie would be nothing without Harley, it could be nothing without a Deadshot either. Someone could try to replace him, but it wouldn’t be the same. So it looks like the next Suicide Squad movie will be a true suicide squad as it marches it’s actors and characters out to the death of a franchise.
8) A Gunslinger, A Tiger, And A DJ Turned Nanny. Or Is It Manny? What Could Possibly Go Wrong?
DJ Jazzy Elba and the Fresh Prince, minus the Fresh Prince will be making his way out to Netflix this coming Spring with the onslaught of his new television series Turn Up Charlie. As a former DJ, Elba decided to bring his skills to the small screen in addition to his Manny abilities. You read that right. Manny, the blending of Man and nanny, is the new role Elba created for himself on Netflix. Whether a certain Gunslinger shows up and goes after the man in black or whether a Tiger starts searching for a boy in Elba’s charge named Mowgli, only God and Idris Elba know. Will Netflix going sitcom with the bodacious bass bring success? Only you can decide.
9) Nothing Can Get Between A Man And His Private Part. Not Even 7.1 Billion Dollars.
It would appear the greatest growth industry in the United States over the next five years will be in the Erectile Dysfunction market. I know there must be a good joke in there but I’m guessing you can figure it out for yourself. What I find fascinating is how much this growth industry is worth. Evidently they believe it will be making in upwards of 7 billion dollars by 2024. I guess nothing can get in the way of a man and his chicken. We just hope he doesn’t choke it too hard or else there won’t be any chicks coming around. If the temptation get’s too great with the blue pill, my response is Just Say No.
10) Here’s Why You Shouldn’t Go On A Burning Spree Of Radioactive Dead People
Some titles are just too good. You almost have to do nothing to make them ridiculous. Even with the most serious of intentions, the article comes out sublimely ridiculous. This article is that very article. I knew of all of the dangers in the world. Being a father, I am hyper aware of all the possible pitfalls out there, knowing I want to spare my daughter any pain I possibly can. But after reading this article I knew I had missed the most important thing ever. Don’t cremate radioactive dead people.
Of course, they have legitimate reasons for not cremating those dead people. I just didn’t realize there were enough of them out there we could cremate to cause such mass hysteria. But with the vast amounts of people getting radiation or chemotherapy to deal with cancer, the possible cremation of said bodies on a massive scale could lead to the next radiation cloud to rival Chernobyl. Ok, maybe not quite Chernobyl but you should never let a crisis go to waste. So be afraid. Be very afraid. Because those radio active dead people are a menace to society and can only be made completely dead by a steak in the heart. Or a Silver bullet. One of the two.
Wrapping Things Up
When it comes to crazy stories, this week certainly had a premium on ones I had to do very little to make funny. It must have been quite the week out there. Then again, it’s been so crazy for me I don’t even know what to say. My stress level has reached a level 11. Which means finding great things to laugh at come at a premium. And this goes double for this week. We hope you enjoy a couple of the great things out there, and if we can make you laugh a little, we know we have done our job.
Continue The Conversation
What was your favorite fake news article this month? What things did you have to read twice to make sure you knew what I was saying? And which one made milk shoot out your nose. Be honest. Also, please share with us any great fake news articles you see this month and share them with me for next month. We would love to add them to the list and include your name in next month’s post.
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Until next time, this is me singing off.
David Elliott, The Single Dad’s Guide to Life