Hey, Lord’s and Ladies of the Single Dad’s Guide Universe. We have entered into the vortex of the first week of the Reflections series, made possible by the diligent work of one toastycritic (whose Alias is David Elliott), and one Brandi Kennedy of Brandi Kennedy: Love Stories and Lifestyle for the Undaunted Woman. While we are continuing on our journey towards zombiedom as we write post after post and scintillating sentence after scintillating sentence, we did not want to forget the things which have made us such a destination for crazies, or people who consider themselves crazy. Because we at the guide are here to bestow upon you those prevaricating prognosticators, those pompous purveyors of the impossibly real. We have reached pique Fake News.
This means we have reached the vortex only those with orange hair or news media mavens seem to understand. But never mind about those people who make you want to run screaming through a crowded theater with your pants on fire to escape the bitterness of the thing which news networks swear is news but we know better. Because we have created something here which goes far beyond what those network nitwits believe to be so. We have created stories which we know are not so, and yet somehow are.
How is this possible, you ask? It’s through the magic of modern Google Trends, and the mind of someone so warped it would make a record left out in the hot sun for days seem straight. (Don’t you just love it when outdated terminology or media become timely again?) We at the Guide take the news, run in through the number crunchers, determine the impossibility of it, and then make it more impossible, or twist it. It’s Fake News Magic! Whatever it is, by the time we are through with it, only those who birthed the preposterous stories would recognize it in the first place.
But I hate spending forever introducing to you the weekly weird and wrong. Which means I best get to the Fake News. So without further ado, the Guide proudly presents (or not so proudly but whatever), The Single Dad’s Guide to Fake News: Volume 23 (The Holidays and New Year’s 2019 Edition)
The Single Dad’s Guide to Fake News: Volume 23 (The Holidays And New Year’s 2019 Edition)
1) Fortnite Goes Candy Cane In A Bid To Supplant Santa. Elves Declare War!
Fortnite, the devious video game which sucks kids into and splashes upon them the fountain of youth so they revert to drinking out of sippy cups, decided that it needed to take over just one more thing on its rise to world domination. (Amazon eat your heart out.) Fortnight figure if it were really to capture the children’s imaginations, they would need to be supplanting Santa Claus next. In a bid to overthrow the jolly old soul who gives toys to children and sees you when you are sleeping, and sees you when you wake, and knows when you’ve been good or bad . . . (wait a second. You sure he doesn’t work for Homeland Security? Santa’s gone Uncle Sam and joined the CIA it sounds like.) Fortnite will be playing the role of Santa from now on . . . according to them.
Their first volley in a bit to overthrow Santa consists of giving out loads of Candy Canes in their video games. While we at the Guide believe this is a novelty meant to entice more gameplay, we suggest they will need to up their game if they want to overthrow the big guy. Licking a computer screen just isn’t the same as licking a real Candy Cane. And we haven’t seen too many kids licking their cell phones or computer screens of late. Nevertheless, the elves have taken up a defensive position around the North Pole just in case Fortnite tried to start something.
2) Josh Duhamel Has Baby Fever! Women, Run For Your Lives!
I am honestly conflicted about writing this next story, which is a first for the Fake News Guide. I know I have met a few Hollywood stars in my day. Most of them have seemed a little self-absorbed. But then again, you kind of have to be if you are going to be an actor. So I never held it against them . . . mostly. So when I met Josh Duhamel, I didn’t expect any different. But after an interview with him, he seemed to be one of the most down to earth and personable stars I have ever run across. And he loved being a dad, even a divorced one . . . which I totally got being one myself.
But then came this story. Josh Duhamel is out on the prowl looking for younger women. Ok. Maybe not too much younger. Post child birthing age and pre-menopausal. Because Josh seems to be having baby fever. He wants to have more babies because he loves being a father so much. While I sympathize with his desire, his public statement about being on the prowl for a baby mama does leave one wondering. But as he was a good guy during the meet and greet, I’m there for him anytime to talk him down from that baby fever ledge. I know the feeling of missing your kids when they are with the mom. Hurts! But they need ya. And then need you to be focused on them and not distracted by 20 somethings who can give kids. So love on your kids now. You will never regret it.
3) First It Was Santa Claus Versus The Martians! Now It’s Thor Vs. The Aliens In Men In Black International
When it comes to movies, it’s always interesting to pair people up and see how they go. It’s like a good Tom Hanks/Meg Ryan movie. The stories may be vastly different and completely outlandish. But we love the chemistry. So it’s like a plant. Give it some water and watch it grow. The same appears to be true for Chris Hemsworth and Tessa Thompson, or someone in Hollywood wishes to make us think so.
It appears they have decided that they will take a little bit of Thor Ragnarok, mix it with Santa Claus versus the Martians and end up with Thor versus the Martians? Or is it the Venutians? Who knows? Whatever it’s supposed to be, it’s taking over the Men In Black series after Men in Black 3 and call it Men in Black International. Watch Thor take on those little green men and save the universe from some bug who wants this marble a cat has. Wait! That’s Men in Black the original. Whatever. It’s Thor. It’s Valkyrie. And it’s Aliens! This here’s the wildest ride in the universe.
4) Rapaport Tries To Take Over Santa’s Job. Gives Lumps Of Coal Out Early.
Welcome to La La Land where we have such amazing luminaries as Shia LaBeouf and Britney Spears. While La La Land has plenty of talkers, no one expects them to all have Ph.D.’s and be able to do brain surgery. They are just mouthpieces in a nice looking shell. All they have to do is read lines in a script.
It appears that one of these luminaries went off script for a few days in the past weeks as he decided to take on the role of Santa Claus just before Christmas. Michael Rapaport decided it would be good to give some early coal to Ariana Grande and Kim Kardashian, attacking them for exposing themselves and only being empty and vapid women who aren’t even that beautiful. One can argue with his view of reality, but one can’t argue with Santa Claus Jr. and the coal. Let’s just hope he doesn’t go full Santa Claus and try to see you when you are sleeping and see you when you wake. Because his creepy face outside bedroom windows would cause the death of many.
5) We Know A Doctor Who Has Earned A Mountain Of Coal In His Stocking.
When it comes to those who really deserve lumps of coal in their stockings, few are more deserving of those lumps of coal than those who are involved in the plastic surgery industry. They prey on the vain to convince them that they don’t look good enough to rate whatever it is they want in life. So with rare exceptions for people who have had life-threatening injuries, these people make their money by making you feel bad about yourself.
It appears one such stinker has decided he didn’t just need a lump of coal for being such a jerk. He needed a mountain of it. He took his “art” and ended up botching a patients chin surgery making her go through mountains of pain and heartache only to feel worse about herself at the very end. Whether he gets the mountain of coal, only Santa Claus knows. Maybe we should sick Michael Rappaport on him just in case.
6) And The Throne Goes To . . . The Imp! How Delicious!
In another non-Santa Claus news, as the clock has ticked over to 2019 it is now of great importance to talk about the truly meaningful things. Like, who is going to win the Game of Thrones??? Will it be Cersei and Jamie? Will it be Jamie? Could it be Bron? Or more likely Daenerys or Jon Snow? Could it possibly be the Night King? One such theory says none of those will be the case.
They believe in Game Of Thrones, the Imp would be King. Yes, the lovable dwarf Tyrion Lannister will game the system and end up on the Throne of Swords. Who his hand will be, what will happen to the rest of the cast and crew, and whether will we ever figure out about the magic Podrick does in a brothel, only George R. R. Martin and the showrunners know. But I for one can say I will enjoy seeing Tyrion making his first ruling on the Iron Throne as the Imp Who Would Be King.
7) Will Smith Swears He’s Not Going Through Seasonal Affective Disorder As He Prepares To Go Blue.
Will Smith will not be going to the mental hospital after filming Aladdin, or so we are told. We are also told that he isn’t in need of Zoloft or Prozac to help him get through the scenes as the Genie. Smith himself swears he is not going through Seasonal Affective Disorder which robs many people of their smile from the months of November through early March. He says he is as happy as he has ever been, despite becoming very . . . very . . . VERY blue.
It just makes sense for him to be blue because genies are that color. Maybe. I don’t know. Disney made him blue and so now Will Smith as the genie will be blue too. Thankfully, he won’t also become depressed. Because 2019 is going to be an amazing year. And we at the Guide love Will Smith and want him to be a part of it. So hooray Will Smith for being vulnerable enough to show your blue side.
8) As Mary Poppins Is Most Certainly Nice, Disney Expects To Not Find Any Coal In It’s Stocking This Christmas.
While many people love Disney, and we at the Guide love Disney as well, many people find them abhorrent and deserving of a little-uncompressed diamond in their stocking. (Yes, we know. You cannot crush coal and hope to make diamonds. But you knew what we meant anyway. So haha! The joke’s on you.) We are sad for the people who feel the need to hate on Disney.
For whatever reason they hate on Disney, Disney decided it needed to be extra nice this year anyway, giving us both Wreck-it Ralph 2, and the practically perfect nanny from the sky, Mary Poppins in Mary Poppins Returns. To ward off any idea Santa would think about giving out coal to them, they gave us some nice winter fair to enjoy this holiday season. Check them out at the theaters now. Or wait for DVD or streaming and pay a lot less. Ok, maybe not so much less. It is a Disney video after all.
9) We Are Not Making This Up! Baby Drink Targets Alcoholic Adults. Come For The Vodka, Stay For The Pedialyte.
Some Fake News titles are too good to be true. And some of those titles are true anyway. This is one such title. Because it appears that Pedialyte, according to doctors, is not just good for babies. It is good for those over inebriated. Hence, they are now marketing themselves to both parents of babies and adults whose babies are named Jack Daniels and come in brown paper bags.
We knew that drinking to that extent did tend to make one become more childlike. Whether doing stupid stuff they know will get them in trouble or acting belligerent and mean as a two-year-old, drunk adults are reliving their childhood. It appears that they can now relive it a little more by having that vodka with a Pedialyte chaser. Way to go you plastered few!
10) Schooling Leads To Abuse Study Shows. Why Didn’t They Publish This Study When I Was Younger So I Could Rally To Outlaw Education?
Maybe I did a little leap of logic here, but it appears that schooling leads to abuse in the home. So we should just outlaw it now. Or maybe they are just advocating for the outlawing of report cards? One of the two. But let’s rewind a bit to know how we ended up at this place.
It appears that a scientific study (whatever that means these days), has determined that report cards sent home to parents on a Friday lead to an increase of abuse in the home. Whether you are getting whipped for that D or smacked upside the head for the Unsatisfactory attitude in class, only God knows. But it appears that school-sanctioned grading policies must lead directly to abuse. So let’s just eliminate them. And learning. And any way to judge whether you are progressing. Because we wouldn’t want anyone to be in trouble for failing to live up to their potential. Right?
Reflecting Once Again
Welcome to the first Fake News of the year, and it’s all part of this year’s Reflection series. So, hooray! It’s been a crazy few weeks, so we had some real news to catch up on. Real Fake News that is. It’s been wild. It’s been weird. But it’s always a blast. Thanks so much for appreciating the newest addition to our variety of topics we cover. I think we could all use a little laughter in our lives as too much of it happens without even a smirk. I believe it’s important. And it’s nice to know I could give some to you.
What I will say it I probably won’t be doing it as a weekly series as I have so much I wish to cover, and cannot possibly do the four posts a week I once accomplished for a few months. Maybe I can once I am doing less of the marketing, but we aren’t there just yet. In the meantime, expect the Fake News posts to be a bi-weekly, bi-monthly, or monthly edition in the Guide. It might make for finding some more fun stories and getting an extra special edition each month. Regardless, keep the comments coming, and the ideas hopping.
Continue The Conversation
So what was your favorite story this week? Was it a Santa story? A New Years story? Or was it something else entirely different? Did you have a favorite fake news story from the past year? What was it? Did you hear it here or somewhere else first? I would love to know. And be sure to send it to us along with any funny or intriguing stories that may work for the Fake News post along with a link to the website you saw it at. Any that is sent to me and added to the fake news will receive a mention and a Do Follow link for that comment, and a personal thank you from me.
Like / Share / Follow
If you liked this Fake News post, then like it. Which means comment. Or click the like star to let me know you thought it was a cool post. It always helps to know what you love and being able to give you the things you will love, even if I don’t have some cool mug or T-shirt to give away . . . yet. Yet! And make sure to catch the Dad Rules at the Top. Share this Fake News with all your friends on social media. And follow us here at the Guide to continue on this road to zombiedom, or get great parenting tips for zombie children. You know you want them. As always, it’s so great you are here.
Until next time, this is me signing off.
David Elliott, The Single Dad’s Guide to Life