Hi! And welcome to the latest and greatest of all things fake. Which means you have come back for another of our marvelous miracles of ridiculous writing, The Single Dad’s Guide to Fake News. We appreciate your support as this week we will be delving into the heart of what it means to be fake when it comes to journalistic practice. Whether it be millennial board game beatings, fake money increasing in value, raccoons on the lamb from an overzealous police force, or scientists changing everything we knew about “history” . . . again. Welcome back as the Guide proudly presents the Single Dad’s Guide to Fake News: Volume 21 (The Fakiest Edition)
This brings me back to where we started, for those of you who are newbies to this crazy creation. It all started with a dream. And then I threw it out and became a journalist dedicated to finding the stories only a Russian Pravda magazine would love. I go out there and find the most unimportant news, and make sure we give it the proper pomp and circumstance. We take “real news” stories (sometimes from real news websites), and twist them, to suit our manipulative purposes of giving you a bunch of laughs, and some news agencies a heart attack about what their “important” stories became. Which means we are satire . . . if the title of this blog post wasn’t clear enough.
But I won’t bore you with the details of how we started here until I decide to write my memoir in the year 2040 or sometime before I shuffle off this mortal coil. Because I believe the most important (or unimportant depending on your point of view) thing here are the stories. Because those are comedy gold . . . or silver. Or maybe a bronze. And so I won’t bore you with the details any further as we go “beast mode” and bring you the best of all things fake. We, the Guide, proudly present to you The Single Dad’s Guide to Fake News: Volume 21 (The Fakiest Edition)
The Single Dad’s Guide To Fake News: Volume 21 (The Fakiest Edition)
1) Monopoly Banks On Millennials Loser Status As One Big Joke
When it comes to life, Millennials are probably talked down more than any other generation. While I am a Gen Xer who is basically known for doing and accomplishing nothing (see Reality Bites), I could always be thankful at least I wasn’t a Millenial for the way they have been considered wastes in today’s society. And while every Gen Xer may say that secret thank you to God late at night in their prayers, it’s been kind of sad how often this class of people has been looked down upon.
It appears that one company is going to take this negative attitude and make a profit from it. Hasboro! What have they done? They decided to make a Monopoly game with a Millennial Edition. And the tagline for this classic new board game? “Forget Real Estate! You Can’t Afford It Anyway.” While this may make me chuckle and think about the sad commentary about that generation, I am guessing Hasbro may have isolated a whole people group in the process.
Not only that, how do you even win such a game? You get to Boardwalk and it says, “Just rent this, which you can’t afford anyway and you don’t make enough money because the jobs for you suck. Just quit.” Or maybe it’s a game of whoever gets knocked out last. Land on Boardwalk and you’re through because you cannot afford the rent. It has one of those pay spots where student loans drive you into debt from which you cannot overcome. Game over! We are thinking this might be a quick Monopoly game, which is an oxymoron.
2) James Corden Stars In The New Television Show Hip Hop Eye For The Metrosexual Guy
James Corden, late night talk show host and car riding karaoke extraordinaire, decided he needed to create a new television show. Singing with stars in cars didn’t do it for him. It burnished his metrosexual credentials too much. In an effort to shed this image and pretend he isn’t the biggest metrosexual on the planet, Mr. Corden decided to go Queer Eye for the Straight Guy in reverse with a bunch of Hip Hop stars who would give the aforementioned Mr. Corden a makeover to go along with a change in his “mood music” he would use at home with his wife. (I never knew Les Mis would put anyone in “the mood” but whatever.) So Migos made James go OUT with the Metrosexual and IN with the bling. We are thinking this could be the start of a whole new show, Hip Hop Eye For The Metrosexual Guy. Coming soon to a cable station near you.
3) Man Preps For Black Friday Early With A Practice Run Of The Game Attack Your Family Members Naked
Black Friday brings out the crazy in all of us. We have gone so far as having exercises and American Football moves to knock people out of our way to those door busters effectively. One man decided he needed to practice a whole week early with his family members as he decided to attack several of them naked. He figured he needed to up his Black Friday game of the past when he was pushed out of the way for the Tickle Me Elmo doll he always wanted. And what better way to do that then naked? We wish him luck on his Black Friday endeavors this year, although we may caution him he might end up in jail charged with indecent exposure before getting to his desired door-busting Black Friday item. Although the Guide is aware of one guy who was able to walk around UC Berkeley 3 years naked before being kicked out of school, so there’s always a chance. Maybe he should move to Berkeley first.
4) Attention All Science Deniers! Scientists Have Found Planet Super Earth. Which Is Not So Super. And Not So Much Like Earth. So Never Mind.
When it comes to the solar system, nothing beats planet Earth. I mean, at least as far as preserving life and all that jazz. Of course, there may be larger planets, hotter planets, smaller planets, and more and less dense planets. But to have life is just pretty darn cool. Which means, when I found out they had discovered a Super Earth, I and the Alien Lover Society from Arcadia jumped for joy at the very thought. (No, please. Don’t look up the Alien Lover Society from Arcadia . . . or any other city for that matter. Unless, of course, you do and you find one. Then report it to me immediately.) There could be someplace other than the planet Earth capable of supporting life. I might be able to meet that gorgeous green girl from Star Trek.
But then, I read the not so fine print. It is only 30 trillion miles away, and it reaches a balmy 238 degrees, below zero. And this doesn’t even go into whether there is oxygen or water on the planet. Not that it would help if it did have water given you would only be able to get at it with a chisel or ice pick. I guess I will have to wait a while before they find that perfect alien supporting planet. Maybe only 60 trillion light years away. **Sigh**
5) Fake WWE Wrestling Leads To Real World Consequences? Who Knew Throwing People Around And Hitting Them With Chairs Could Be So Dangerous?
Fake wrestling is fake. WWE is not real. Not that they will tell you. Or even act like what they do is anything aside from real wrestling with life and death consequences. They don’t want you to know they are entertainment. Then again, gladiators were considered entertainment. Where did that get them? Dead mostly. Well, it would appear, those lovely ladies of wrestling (and the men too) can suffer life-altering injuries while pretending to be hit by chairs and thrown around a ring. Diva Paige, one of said lady wrestlers had done enough damage to her vertebrae that any further “wrestling” could cause life-altering paralysis. And while she admired the late, great Christopher Reeve, she didn’t want to become him in her twenties.
I admit my initial reaction was to think about all this fake wrestling and laugh at the people involved. Then it crossed my mind they should be getting stunt pay. Because basically, they are “stuntmen”. And the companies paying these stunt people should carry crazy insurance in case of a “mild injury” like paralysis. I’m curious as to who would ensure such a thing. If these insurance companies found out, it might wreck the sport. Then again, the people involved are crazy enough to take life-altering steroids to make sure they look like they are one big muscle. People might still sign up. Only time will tell.
6) Fake Money Makes Real Dollars And Other Insane Things Happened This Week
Sigma coin, an alternative to the amazingly priced Bitcoin, made a major leap into the market this week as their price gained by 56.5%. Of course, this might be slightly misleading as this means that one coin is worth a whole $0.0034. It’s not even worth a whole penny. But don’t tell them that as the techies who created this fake currency considered this a milestone in the fake currency business. This makes this the ultimate fake news. It’s fake money not even worth the amount it’s not printed on. Because it’s digital. Fake News indeed!
The geeks involved in this ecstatically announced this great leap in value to the fanfare of people in Siberia where they are trading this coin for vodka shots, or death. I’m not really sure. In all seriousness (which I am not sure is possible in this post), these fake money currencies have grown in value so one Bitcoin is worth some ridiculous amount of money. I wonder if one can trade in a third of a Bitcoin. Or a tenth. Or a millionth. I might be able to afford that. Whatever the case, fake money is here to stay because . . . because . . . there’s a reason I swear. Get back to me when you can tell me what it is.
7) Welcome To The Best Love Fest In All Of Basketball: Draymond Green and Kevin Durant
When it comes to basketball, Draymond Green has a love fest with the league. Just ask Charles Barkley. He even has taken to the tactic of punching fellow male competitors where they wish only their wives would dare to tread. But it became great news for the rest of the league today when he decided to love on his own teammate, Kevin Durant. Usually, you don’t love on a teammate like that.
Whatever the reason behind the spat, the lovebirds don’t appear to be mending things anytime soon, which is great news for competitive balance for the rest of the league, and a great hope for cities like Los Angeles and Boston who hope to lure one of those stars away from all that love. Why Kevin Durant would want to leave such a great love only God and his private parts know. Oh, and his ego possibly as well. So love on Durant and Green. The rest of the league thanks you.
8) Throwout Everything You Know About Cavemen. They Were Really Philosophers And The Original Greenpeace Mavens.
Thomas Hobbes once wrote, “Life, in a state of nature, is nasty, brutish, and short.” This quote, while questionable about society as a whole, perfectly would have described the living most paleontologists presumed for the life of the cavemen. Having to beat people up and taking everything by force was a fact of life for this missing link. They would have to fight others for food, shelter, and mating privileges. (Which only goes so far when you deal with a Neanderthal’s mother-in-law. But I digress.) But those super smart scientists who brought you the late great Super Earth have unearthed another life-shattering discovery. Maybe cavemen were lovers and not fighters.
I know you are staring in shock at the previous statement right now. So pick up your tongues from your mouths and place them back inside. Because they have determined this “scientific fact” by the lack of blows to the head they would have expected. Of course, being able to determine how many blows a Neanderthal took to the head with deep burial in the Earth for millions of years according to these scientists is debatable. But they are sure, so why shouldn’t we be. Neaderthal’s were lovers, not fighters because we found only 29 blows to the head instead of the 30 we expected. Makes all the difference, right?
9) Rise Of The Planet Of The Monkeys Part 2: This Time It’s Farce
With all this lack of monkey business going on with the cavemen, we reach our next story with our scientifically declared ancestors on the verge of taking over the planet earth. And as Hollywood always predicted, it would come with a virus. Of course, this virus would not be human created but one found specifically in these monkeys. It would appear these wild monkeys and their prodigious sexual behavior have created the ultimate in herpes viruses meant to destroy all mankind. They have invented the Herpes B virus which attacks the spine, causes encephalitis and eventually death to all people who come in contact with this virus found in the monkey’s bodily fluid.
Normally we would want to calm fears but this is the fake news so run for your lives. Because the monkey population with this deathly virus is expected to double by 2022 given our protection of the species. And given monkeys proclivity for flinging excretions in the directions of others, it will only be a matter of time before they will be ruling the earth. So for those afraid of all the craziness in politics because of monkeys, just feel secure that we have been preparing ourselves for when these real animals take over the earth. Just get used to saying, “yes your monkeyness” and all will be fine.
10) West Virginia Police Arrest Raccoons For Drunk And Disorderly Behavior
For the last in our artificially created reasons to run around screaming and behaving badly (i.e. fake news), we bring you the fine force of the West Virginia police department. These amazing individuals have decided it was in the best interest to clear the air about all the rabid raccoons running around in their community. They just needed their citizens to know the strange behavior of the raccoons had nothing to do with rabies at all. Instead, they just needed to remember the deep, moral philosopher, Jamie Fox and “Blame It (On the Alcohol).”
That’s right, the West Virginia population has been throwing out alcohol in large enough amounts to get those rascally rodents drunk on their moonshine. Why they were wasting all that alcohol, one can only guess. The police want to make sure that the people stay calm and turn these rodents into their local police station to pick them up for drunk and disorderly. Whether they have small enough handcuffs to deal with these poachers is another question. We at the Guide did not know what to say other than to interview Rocket Raccoon for comment. He hasn’t commented by the time of this post.
Continue The Conversation
I know you are worried about those raucous raccoons. But we here at the Guide want to make sure you know that no raccoons were harmed or arrested for the making of this fake news post. We are just happy you were able to survive the red-headed apocalypse and return to find the world must be peopled. Although 7 billion might be enough. Who knows? On the other hand, what were your favorite fake news stories this week? What stories tickled your funny bone the most? And what stories have you heard which you feel would be great for next week’s compilation? I always love knowing what makes you laugh the most.
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Until next time, this is me signing off.
David Elliott, Single Dad’s Guide to Life
