Hi, and welcome to another episode of The Single Dad’s Guide to Fake News. Last week, in our first edition of the Guide to Fake news, the tenth major news story promising to bring back Fitness Fridays For Fathers. And I intend to do that this week, so this fell into the regular Wednesday slot of posts instead of the Friday slot it took up last week. So if you are a bit confused saying, “this hasn’t been a week!!!” I am telling you why now. And so the Guide puts the Fake News post into it’s now regularly scheduled time on Wednesdays. As once again we bring back The Single Dad’s Guide to Fake News: Vol. 2.
What is the Single Dad’s Guide to Fake News do you ask? For those of you who didn’t catch last weeks episode, you can catch it here. But basically it boils down to the Guide taking the major news stories of the week, and giving it it’s own little twist. We take the top 10 news stories of this past week (according to us and Google Trends) and “Kick them up a Notch” as Emeril would put it. While the research of the stories is completely legitimate, the stories themselves are our own twists on the topics we are covering, hence the moniker, “fake news.” And no matter what Donald Trump tries to tell you about CNN, our news is truly the fakest . . . or something like that.
But as you very well know, the longer it takes to explain a joke, the less funny the joke becomes. And so I do not intend on making this joke unfunny before the ridicule about to begin. Because that would be . . . ironic. So without further ado, the Guide presents, “The Single Dad’s Guide to Fake News – Vol. 2.”
The Single Dad’s Guide To Fake News – Vol. 2
1) NY Attorney General Does Donald Trump One Better. He Believes He Can Smack A Woman Across The Face Without Repercussion!
Last week it was Charlie Rose trying to one up Mr. Harvey Weinstein as the world’s most creepy man. Louis C.K. gave him a run for his money but I really thought it was plant abuse and so we took him out of the running for this award. But this week, NY Attorney General Eric Schneiderman figured he needed to get in the game. He knew he wouldn’t be able to beat Mr. Rose or Mr. Weinstein in overall creepiness. So he figured he would get the runner up prize which was most creepy politician in New York.
After Donald Trump stated in a secretly recorded interview that he liked to grab woman in the private parts, Mr. Schneiderman figured he needed to top that. So he started beating up the women he was sleeping with. According to Mr. Schneiderman they were all consensual beatings. Or something like that. The fact the women patently denied this did not stop him from claiming they were liars. And then resigning. You choose who you think is the liar.
2) California Responds to Hawaiian Earthquake Championship by going,”Meh!”
If you recall last week, Hawaii was just announced as the winner of the Great Earthquake Championship. Having over 600 earthquakes in four days does tend to give one a solid leg up on other competition. California, the state most often predicted to have the big one without ever actually having a big one since 1906, thought about the championship of Hawaii for a while and then went, “meh!” It couldn’t even get up the strength to have a real earthquake. Its latest earthquake measured all of 4.5 on the richter scale. That’s barely over half of what the big one is supposed to be at 8 or better. Evidently, California is content with Hawaii being considered least safest state to live in.
3) Oliver North’s NRA Slogan- “First Iran, Then The U.S., And Finally The World!”
Oliver North was just recently named the head of the NRA. When asked what he was going to do next, he said, “The same thing we do every night, Pinky! Try to take over the world.” After such insignificant conquests, Oliver North, the first person who thought it was good to arm the Iranian regime before Mr. Kerry put his weapons dealings to shame, now believes he should arm the rest of the U.S. population. Whether or not he feels like he should be doing this because he armed the people of Iran in the first place, no one can tell. What we can say is you have to hand it to him for his consistency. He believes every person should have a firearm. Instead of universal basic income, or universal health care, he wants universal concealed carry permits. Should be thrilling to see what happens next. Ready! Aim!
4) Google Tells The Universe It Plans To Take Over The World.
Google, in a move to show it still is the tech giant of the universe, after the abysmal failure of automated driving cars, just displayed the latest in innovative technology, set to replace you as a human being. First, the Google Home device will begin making automated phone calls for you. Not only can it call your salon and book an appointment, but it can negotiate time and other details.
Then there is the new Gmail Autotype feature. It’s one thing to have your phone autocorrect a word or two. But it’s another thing for them to fill out entire sentences for you based upon one word. It’s like its automated fill in the blank response were your lover trying to complete your sentences. I wonder whether this means their AI will be added to all the latest in “romantic robots.” (For all of you adults out there, you understand the euphemism. But this is a PG-13 rated blog so shhhh!!! Don’t tell the kids.) Whatever the case, Google will soon be replacing your assistant, your driver, and eventually you.
5) Donald Trump Comes Out And Tells The World He Is The Real Donald Trump.
So we all know who Donald Trump is at this point, for better or for worse. Whether it means grabbing women where their pant legs meet, or calling the Korean dictator “rocketman,” there is no denying that Donald Trump is in fact Donald Trump. The fact that Donald Trump says something and it makes news any more seems to be a bit ludicrous. How can the news media fall down all over themselves because he claims their outlets are “fake news” and posits they should have their media credentials taken away? I should yell and scream that he wishes to take mine away, but . . . I never had one in the first place. So I can hardly complain about him taking away something I never had. Can I?
The latest heart palpitations take place on the heels of the media allowing Stormy Daniels lawyer to suggest that Trump and AT&T are involved in the Russian collusion menace. Somehow the media cannot come out and correct the record from a Porn Stars Lawyer, giving him and the porn star more media time than the three hostages from North Korea coming home. Nope . . . Nothing to see here . . . Russian collusion . . . red menace . . . some guy name Vlad . . . Wait. Doesn’t this sound an awful lot like what Mitt Romney was saying in the 2012 presidential debate when Obama asked whether the 80s were asking for their foreign policy back? Hmmm . . .
6) It’s Disney Vs. Comcast As Jedi’s Face Off Against Dinosaurs With The Fate Of The Whole 21st Century At Stake.
If there were such a thing as Jedis and Dinosaurs still roamed the earth, I would really be looking forward to that battle. Can you imagine light sabers vs. Velociraptors? What it really means is Rupert Murdock decided that selling a controlling interest in all of his Fox subsidiaries (Fox News being a glaring exception) was something he wanted to do. And two of the biggest corporations on the planet are vying for control over it. With Comcast, parent company of Universal, it would merely add to the large library of films they have control over and increase their shares. With Disney, the fate of the Avengers is at stake. (*sniffle* *sniffle* You can check out my review for Infinity War if you want to know what I mean.)
Seriously, adding Fox to the fold would bring back both the X-Men and Deadpool into the Disney/Marvel sphere. Can you imagine Wolverine fighting alongside the Black Widow? Or the Hulk taking on Magneto? How about Deadpool and Groot as a super team? Just the thought makes me smile. So while I may believe Disney has their own designs on taking over the world, I am rooting for them to take over this small part of it anyway.
7) At Taco Bell, Their Employees Truly Do Make A Run For The Restroom.
As a Taco Bell lover and aficionado for all my life, I have always been skeptical of the belief “Make a Run for The Restroom” was their motto. (Despite many friends insisting it was the case.) I never seemed to have a problem with their food. I would never have called it Mexican, even on a good day. And I certainly would not have celebrated Cinco De Mayo at Taco Bell.
But finding out one of their employees contracted Hepatitis A in West Virginia has made me reconsider my opinion. I know. I know. All the employee needed to do to make sure they didn’t catch it was to make sure they thoroughly washed their hands before handling the contaminated food. Evidently, the employee was infectious for more than three weeks at the restaurant prior to diagnosis. If you visited at Taco Bell in West Virginia and started experiencing any of the symptoms listed at the Mayo Clinic here, please make sure to stop at the restroom. And then go to your doctor right away, followed by your lawyer. And then cha ching!
8) Jane Doe Accuses John Doe Of Kidnapping And Sexual Assault All In One Of Chris Brown’s Bedrooms.
Chris Brown can’t catch a break can he? Poster child of the physical abuse of women even before the #MeToo movement, Chris Brown has been in trouble with the law for his run ins with women for as long as I can remember. Ok, maybe not that long. But at least since February 2009 when he thought it was a good idea for his 19-year-old fist to run “accidentally” into Rihanna’s face.
This did not end the notorious abusers career of abuse as stories have paraded around about him ever since. Now, it would appear he provided the sanctum for more sexual abuse between a Jane Doe and some unnamed man. I would say you might be shocked about who is representing the woman. But who am I kidding? The “I never met a camera I didn’t like” lawyer Gloria Allred is defending the rights of the abused woman. Whatever the real story behind the night in question, as a result of Ms. Allred’s involvement, I am sure we will never get to the bottom of it. Unless, of course, the lady was a Kim Kardashian fan and loves taping herself.
9) Hollywood Jumped The Shark When It Decided To Create An Awards Show For Trailers.
After years and years of referring to “jumping the shark” as the point at which something in a television series turns ridiculous and marks the precipitous decline of the show, Hollywood decided jumping the shark may not be a bad idea after all. With more and more movies which are merely copies of stories already produced or Comic Book Hero movies that some critics label with the marker “too big to fail,” Hollywood has grown desperate to draw attention to itself for some other reason than those films or the #MeToo movement.
How have they decided to do this, you ask? By creating an award show for . . . wait for it . . . trailers! That’s right! Hollywood has decided to create its own award show for trailers. They “supposedly” pick out the best trailers which moved audiences. This year’s nominations include Infinity War, The Black Panther, The Shape of Water, and A Quiet Place. As much as I love three of those movies, how can one say those trailers are better than other ones. Often, the best trailers are those which make me think a movie is going to be amazing, only to let me down when I actually show up to watch it. You know! The “great” comedies where the only funny moments are those which showed up in the trailers.
Whatever their reasons, Hollywood has definitely jumped the shark. What will they think of next? Giant Dwarfs making Super Axes of Doom which help gods but can be stopped by a giant glove with jewels in them?!?! Wait . . . oh yeah!
10) Nathan Fillion’s New Book: From Ship’s Captain To Rookie In Five Easy Lessons (With A Role As A Disembodied Head In Between)
Ok, maybe it’s not quite a book yet, but it should be. Don’t you think? Nathan Fillion, who shot to fame in the role of Malcolm Reynolds on the quickly defunct hit show Firefly (try imagining how that was possible), has just signed up to star in the new TV show rookie for ABC. In it, he plays John Nolan, the oldest rookie in the LAPD. Based on a true story, it is a series about a man who faces a midlife crisis and decides to change his life around and start all over again as a police officer.
Given the fact that he still plays a disembodied head in the hit Netflix series The Santa Clarita Diet, the Guide figured it was nice he could still play a relatively decent looking rookie cop . . . of 40. And for those women out there, in the Rookie you might actually get to see more of his body . . . if you are into that sort of thing. As for the Guide, unless you are posting pictures of Monica Bellucci, we could really care less.
Continue The Conversation –
What did you think of this weeks top ten list of fake news? Ok . . . it’s not entirely fake news despite Donald Trump’s protestations to the contrary. Nathan Fillion truly is going to be staring in an upcoming TV show called the Rookie, starting this October. (Although given the frequency of studio execs changing their minds these days, it could become fake news between now and October). What news stories were of greatest interest to you? And please share with us any news stories that might be of interest for next week’s top ten. We will even mention your name and give a shout out to your blog or social media post if your news story gets chosen.
Like / Follow / Share –
If you liked this post, aside from commenting and telling me about news stories you would love to hear about, please like this post at the end. And definitely share it with all of your friends. Aside from the laugh, they definitely could use some of that good “fake news” vibe. And don’t forget to follow us here at the Guide to be kept up to date on all the latest happenings here. You won’t want to miss a ridiculous moment. As always, thanks for stopping by.
Until next time, this is me signing off.
David Elliott, Single Dad’s Guide to Life