The Single Dad’s Guide To Fake News: Volume 12

Hi and welcome to the Guide, which means you probably came to the wrong place and took a left turn at Albuquerque.  Just make sure to go back several hundred miles and make another left.  Or is it a right?  It’s something.  But you gotta love the adventure.  While you are here, however, you may as well stop by and get the finest fake news in the history of the planet.  Or any other planets in the solar system.  Just make sure not to include Pluto in your list of planets.   And check out everything about the amazing Single Dad’s Guide to Fake News: Volume 12.

What is this fake news?  And who is it that speaks of it?  Well leaving aside the crazy individual who is typing these words out onto a computer this very second, if you haven’t heard of fake news by now, I am guessing you spent the last few years underneath a rock.  I don’t know how to think about this, but I do have a couple things I would like to add.  Is Patrick Starfish really that dense or is it just fake news?  And say hi to Spongebob for me!  I’ve gotta love his fashion sense.

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But never mind about that now.  What I want to tell you is that fake news literally means putting fake facts out there for the expressed purpose of getting someone to believe something which is untrue.  The unfortunate part of fake news today is that it people equate it with information which doesn’t fit your world view and so therefore must be fake.  I think people can look at the same facts and draw different conclusions.  In fact, I think they have a whole class which deals with it. (Statistics). Fake news isn’t about having different conclusions.  Fake news represents having bad facts.

Whether we present you bad facts, I would leave up to your own interpretation.  We put a lot of facts together which come from mostly legitimate news sources.  Do they have their own brand of fake news?  Sure.  But the information I draw is primarily from real news stories.  Then I twist them to make them funny, or throw in a bit of odd perspective to them.  My perspective.  This means that I turn the stories into comic gold.  Or comic iron pyrite.  I suppose it all depends on your perspective.

But I hate taking to long to introduce things, which I know you are rolling your eyes and saying,” too late,” at this very moment.  Nothing I can do about that now.  So without further ado, the Guide proudly presents The Single Dad’s Guide to Fake News: Volume 12.

The Single Dad’s Guide To Fake News: Volume 12

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1) James Gunn- Guardian Of The Galaxy!  Tweet Warrior For The Oppressed!  Rape Jokester!

If anything social media has taught us, we have had things which we put out into the world which will live on in infamy.  And for which we would gladly remove from our history if we possibly could.  Just take a look at the history of Josh Hader, closer for the Milwaukee Brewers.  Tweets found when he was a young and immature male at the age of 17 put him behind the eight ball.  While he wasn’t fired, he is now under mandatory sensitivity training classes due to things he said when he was 17.  Did his past encourage other people to re-visit former tweets and take down awful one’s which could be found in their feed?

With the case of James Gunn, former director of the Guardians of the Galaxy series for Marvel, evidently not.  The progressive muckraker, interested in taking down people he considered hateful somehow missed the log in his own eye while trying to take the plank out of the eye of someone else.  And what could possibly be on these tweets to get this crusader fired from Disney?  Evidently things such as liking it when “3-year-old boys touch me in my silly place” and “The best thing about being raped is when you’re done being raped and it’s like ‘whew this feels great, not being raped.” 

Shocking Disney would not want to associate with this right?  Given their family friendly nature and all.  Maybe they should have thought different about hiring the director of Tromeo and Juliet, the exploitation film.  It’s possibly that might have hinted about other less than flattering things could be found.  Regardless, it would appear James Gunn is out as director of the new Guardians of the Galaxy movie.  Unfortunately for James Gunn no one could possibly call him young and immature at the ripe old age of 41 when these tweets were produced.  So no sensitivity classes for him.  Maybe he could claim midlife crisis or something.

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2) This Boat Cannot Be Used As A Flotation Device

Down in the depths of Table Rock Lake lives a virtual sea monster.   No one realized the sea monster would be a big boat which would cause the death of 17 people in the depths of the lake.  Evidently the problem with the boat wasn’t just the fact that it sunk, which would naturally be a problem for a sea fairing vessel.  The problem with the boat according to the police would be the fact it had a canopy over the top of the boat.

Whereas those canopies on duck boats are to attempt to create cover from ducks who might see you and otherwise run away.  This canopy has a minor catch 22 for sinking vessels.  Evidently for those with life jackets it pins to the canopies with the boat goes under, making it impossible for them to escape.  But for those who don’t wear them, you no longer have the ability to be pulled upwards and you go down with the ship.  I just hope the designer of the duck canopy doesn’t decide to get into making airplanes.

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3) Shark Week Has Gone To the Bears.  Or To Shaq.  Or Maybe It Just Went Hollywood.

It would appear we have reached the beginning of Shark Week, Discovery Channel’s annual event promoting the panda bear.  Wait no.  It’s the thing with pointy teeth and scales.  Ah that’s right.  It’s Piranha week.  No.  That doesn’t seem right either.  I know it has to deal with some creature with jaws and scares people out of the water.

Yes, that’s right.  It’s Shark Week once again.  And Discovery Channel provides all the best shark programming on the planet.  Evidently it was so popular in 2017 it became the highest rated cable television show on the planet.  Some planet anyway.

Of course you couldn’t do Shark with without kicking it up a notch so this week Bears are getting involved.  Bears?!?  Yes, Bears.  Ok, maybe it’s just the soft plushy kind where you dress them up and put fake hearts into them.  Build-A-Bear will have a Shark for shark week.  I wonder what kinds of clothes you can dress them in.  In addition, a former NBA Center with a gigantic ego (no it’s not Charles Barkley), will also be guest hosting as Shaq will celebrate the festivities.  Running now until July 29th.

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4)  Everything May Taste Great On Top Of The Ritz Cracker.  As For the Ritz Cracker, Not So Much.

When it comes to crackers, Ritz would have you believe they are the gold standard. The golden goodness practically melted in your mouth as the buttery crackers worked on clogging your arteries.  Nabisco has been producing this product since 1934, which would have put it right in the midst of the Great Depression.  Makes sense they would come up with a cheap, tasty food source when many couldn’t afford a good meal.  Whether it was healthy or not, I am not sure if anyone cared.

But given the recent spate of salmonella outbreaks in different food industries, one just might want to start caring.  In fact, Ritz has had to recall its recent product because of possible food contamination coming from the whey they use in their crackers.  Evidently, the whey is WAY bad.  So if you are popping open a bag of Ritz Bitz or other delicious golden crackers, you might want to not put it in your mouth. Your arteries and your stomach will thank you.

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5)  I Never Knew Injuries Were Contagious Until I Met The 2018 New York Mets.

When it comes to baseball teams, no teams do it quite like the New York Mets.  They have had their successes with the 86 Mets, and the Miracle Mets of the fantastic 1969 season.  But mostly they have been the second class citizen to the New York Yankees, the bigger, prettier franchise from down the road.  Maybe it’s the fact that they actually thought the Metropolitans was actually a good name for the team they view themselves in such a strange and unique light.

This year, it would seem the Metropolitans, while not going through the curse of the Bambino (Red Sox) or the curse of the goat (Cubs), have their own unique curse.  The injury bug seems to have bitten their entire team.  I never believed injuries were contagious, but the Mets are making a believer out of me.  From the walking injury David Wright to the latest craziness with Hand, Foot, and Mouth Disease by Noah Syndergaard and everything in between, these Mets cannot possibly stay healthy.  Their crazy hot start has been reduced to a trickle as they have collapsed as a team.  One could say that there is always next year.  But I think someone will need to bring Holy Water and a few priests to solve if they ever plan on being healthy again.

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6) Color Me Badd Finally Lives Up To It’s Name.

While I admit, I am not the biggest of Color Me Bad fans, I find it fascinating when a band goes into utter meltdown.  Maybe it’s the can’t miss train wreck you need to see because it makes it feel better about the foibles in your own life.  But I just couldn’t miss this band meltdown in the process of a show.  What happened you ask?  Evidently, one person in the band decided it was a good idea when his voice wasn’t working that pushing a fellow bandmate off stage so it lands him in the hospital was the next best thing.

To be completely honest, with all the technology now, I am not sure why they couldn’t just have one of those voice modifiers which make bad sounding singers into Pavarotti.  I suppose it might be a little hard to do that kind of voice modification on the fly but what are going sound engineers for if not for that.  Think of how many awful singers make records because they can make a frog voice sound like a piece of heaven.

Regardless, it will be interesting to see if the band will get back together as the singer was charged $2,000 bail for his assault on his fellow band member.  Maybe they will just have to put the band members in a bubble so he can’t strike them in concert in the future. Or maybe they can give the singer a big dose of Ativan before the concert.  He should love everyone then.  But then they might not be Color Me Bad.  I’m open to suggestions.

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7) Diet Colas Prevent Cancer. What?!?!

As a fan of diet colas, I have had to take the general all out assault on them for their bad properties.  Frequently I have heard from many a person how awful they are and how getting off them as quickly as possible would be beneficial to my life.  Of course, no one could quite explain the negative side effects.  Mostly it began with, some health guru once told them it was bad.  Doon’t get me wrong.  Seeing all the mineral ingredients they put in a diet soda, one begins to wonder.  And given I will have to go through a lifestyle change I will discuss in an upcoming post, I certainly have considered eliminating it from my diet.  Mostly I have called it my one vice in life.  And as vices go, it’s not a bad one to have.

Evidently, I now have another reason to keep drinking the soda.  Ok, maybe another excuse but whatever.  Because this time scientists have tested diet drinks and found that they have a good rate of preventing reoccurrence of Colon Cancer.  Whether it prevents it in the first place is a whole other issue.  But now I can just say I’m drinking my cancer fighting drink.  So stick it you diet soda haters!  Have your crappy tooth decay with your sugar drinks.  Or whatever.  I’m fighting cancer here.

And while we are on the healthy or non-healthy foods topic . . .

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8) Hot Dog Mania Is A Thing.  Honestly.

Ok, maybe its not quite a thing.  Don’t you hate those articles which tell you that something might be true.  Eating chocolate cake might cure heart disease.  Or, petting your dog once a a day might make you live ten years longer.  Hence, we all go out eating our chocolate cake in one hand while petting our dog and trying to prevent him from eating the chocolate cake in the other.  But really, the might be true is such a funny word.

So take this with a grain of salt if you must, but studies have shown their might be a causal link between eating hot dogs and mania.  To be honest, it’s all processed foods, of which hot dogs are merely one variety.  But studies are suggesting the regular ingesting of such foods may produce extra manic episodes in those suffering from mood disorders as a result of the nitrates used to produce the materials.  More studies will need to be done.  But right now I think ball parks should have a cutoff hour on selling hot dogs like they do for selling beers.  Because you never know what a crazy hot dog eater might do.

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9) Anti-Ageing.  It All Started With A Mouse.

While Disney would love take take credit for everything beautiful in the world, I am not sure they would want to take credit for this study.  I definitely don’t think the Torture of Mickey Mouse would be something they would condone to get answers about aging.  On the other hand if torturing Donald Duck would work I think they might be all for it. (see Chip and Dale)  Regardless it seems that mice were used to discover the causes behind aging.

Leaving all Peta complaints aside, it is interesting to note that they have been able to discover the reasons behind the aging process.  When certain mitochondria are inhibited the aging process starts to kick in.  Which basically means they skin aged a mouse.  Thankfully this inhibitor didn’t affect the organs of the mice involved.  When they restored the function of the mitochondria, the skin began to return to normal.  Whether they will be able to use this to reduce aging signs and bring back bald guys hair, we shall see.  Just remember.  It all started with a mouse.

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10) Couch Potato Nation

Part of me really wants to declare this as completely fake.  Because no one wants to live up to the words of Weird Al’s song, “You’re Pitiful,”  It just wouldn’t be right.  On the other hand, it would seem as parents we have made our children into a bunch of digital addicts.  We have given our kids so many devices that they only want to stay indoors.  It’s so crazy that 10 percent of people would rather do homework than being outdoors. And a full three percent would rather do chores.  That’s nearly 15 percent of our children who’d rather do chores or homework than be outdoors.  Insanity!!!

Drill down on the numbers and it only gets crazier.  40 percent of the children in the study had never gone camping.  50 percent had never built a fort.  And more than 50 percent never climbed a tree.  Welcome to the helicopter parenting age.  No one wants to have their kids get hurt.  I remember tons of cuts and bruises among me and my friends growing up doing crazy things.  But with so few kids wanting to stay indoors instead of going outside, it’s a wonder people claim we are going through an obesity epidemic.  Now could you please pass me the nachos and cold pizza and shoot me that can of beer over here.  What was I saying again?  Mic dropped.

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