Welcome back, from a couple week hiatus, as the Single Dad’s Guide is ready and rip-roaring again to ignore the best of all smug self-righteous nonsense and bring you only the best garbage and trashy headlines out there. Ok, maybe they aren’t the trashy headlines of your local Enquirer or whatever “news” out there that talking about space aliens and their penchant for posterior examinations. Instead, we are just your handy dandy fake news peddlers out there with some out of this world headlines, minus the aliens. Thank you so much for joining us on the latest and greatest journey into the Single Dad’s Guide to Fake News: Volume 22.
This week we are kicking things up a notch by making this version of the Fake News Guide as we have decided that just going to ten wouldn’t do. This week we make it all the way to ELEVEN!!! Because just 10 fake news storiesis just not enough. Thank heaven for eleven! Or something like that.
So for those of you who haven’t been here for the first 21 . . . or even one of the 21 fake news pieces, what am I getting at exactly? I’m sure you have heard of fake news. Between Donald Trump and Facebook, we have heard about it often enough. But here the fake news is just a little bit different. We aren’t in the process of making you chase after pizza companies for their nefarious activities, nor are we in the place of asking you to go after your government officials for stories about their bad behavior.
What we do is take all of the most outlandish stories put out by news media and twist them to suit our comedic purposes. We go into the recesses of Google Trends, taking out all the top news stories of the week and then ripping those headlines to shreds and make up our own about the stories. Which makes it . . . fake news. Or at least our version of fake news. But enough about what fake news is, and on to the stories. Which is what you are here for . . . after all. So without further ado, the Guide proudly presents the Single Dad’s Guide to Fake News: Volume 22.
The Single Dad’s Guide to Fake News: Volume 22
1) Paul McCartney on the lookout for 3 over the hill musicians to join his new band called the Geriatric Beatles.
When it comes to musicians, like sports athletes, there is a time when they put up their instruments and decide that it’s time to call it a day. No matter who it is, the artist realizes that their time has come and ends the endless touring and promoting which made them such a hit in the first place. They need to take some time to spend with their family and friends and bask in the glory of the good old days, just appreciating everything they have been given.
On the other hand, you could be Paul McCartney. It would appear one of the two surviving Beatles just cannot give up the limelight and needs to keep on going. Which means he needs to have band members to surround himself with. So out goes the call for three other over the hill musicians to form the Beatles Part Deux. Or the Geriatric Beatles. They are still working on the title. Whatever the case, we support the plan for Mr. McCartney to keep making the music and keep singing the Beatles songs. And one day, we look forward to hearing the Zombie Beatles, when deceased and living Beatles come together to make beautiful music and eat brains. Or maybe just the latter.
2) Dessert – It’s What’s For Dinner.
I am sure you have all heard by now the Romain lettuce seemed to have a bit of a problem over the holidays. Some of my favorite restaurants didn’t have any salad as a result of the salmonella problem resulting from it. One of the best memes I have ever seen talked about the CDC finally stating that Pie was more healthy than Salad. (We all want that to be true but none of us says it aloud.) Many people got to avoid the disgusting tasting veggies because they could say they were unhealthy.
This all leads us to the latest discovery, that salmonella was found in large batches of ground beef. They had to recall a ton of it from over 12 states as a result. Which leads us here at the Guide to the only logical conclusion. Dessert! It’s what’s for dinner. It only stands to reason, chicken, the rest of the veggies, legumes, nuts, and seafood will be the next things to go. Which means we all need to start serving dessert for breakfast, lunch and most of all dinner. Because it’s the only safe thing to eat on the menu any more. I’m so excited to turn to my daughter this Christmas and say, please pass the creme brûlée and the Eggnog.
3) Natalie Portman shames Jessica Simpson For Virginhood While Bikini-clad. Catfight Ensues.
I thought slut-shaming wasn’t supposed to be a thing anymore. Then again, Natalie Portman seemed to think it was ok to shame Jessica Simpson for discussing her virginity while sexualizing herself in a bikini. I suppose there might be a little bit of hypocrisy involved in such a display, but whatever. It was the in thing to talk about one’s virginity in the 90s. (I’m guessing this was an AIDS and abstinence-related thing.) If you want to decry those who did it and sexualized themselves, I am not sure I would have started with Jessica Simpson. It’s almost like Portman forgot about Britney Spears or something). Or maybe she forgot about the giant shaped hypocrisy of her role the in The Professional? Hmmmm…
Whatever the case, a catfight ensued between the two stars. Ok, maybe not a literal one. Just a lot of back and forth hissing across twitter. Because you couldn’t just do the face to face now could you? As of this post, it would appear that Jessica has gotten the better of Natalie as she has forced her to back down and apologize. Maybe Natalie remembered her role in The Professional and realized what a giant hypocrite she was. But we doubt it.
4) Man In Mistletoe Gives Police The Kiss-Off. Then Goes For Joyride. Coal Believed To Be In His Stocking For Christmas.
What does a man do who is waylaid by police while sitting on Mistletoe Drive? Go on a high speed chase with the cops, of course. It appears that one man who was sitting in his car on Mistletoe Drive was just minding his own business in a car when a police officer knocked on his window asking him what he was doing. Apparently, the man was worried he would be kissed by this burly officer and decided to make a beeline out of there, leading cops on a wild goose chase. Of course, it might not have been the kissing he was afraid of. Multiple warrants out for the arrest of the owner of this car might have contributed to his hasty retreat from the officer. Whatever the case, we are sure coal will be coming to a stocking near him very soon.
5) Beef Goes Bad So Sonic Offers 50 Cent Corn Dogs.
While many of us may be asking where’s the beef, this Christmas, the Sonic food chain has decided it won’t make us stay away from it for too long. Then again, maybe they will as the chain uses turkey dogs for the iconic corn dogs they serve. Whatever the case, Sonic figured it would make sure we would not have to miss out on our meets as it held a sale on corn dogs this past Wednesday for only 50 cents per deep-fried frankfurter. So we hope you went out there and ate as many of those cholesterol inducing nightmares to your stomach could handle. Me and my gout sat this one out at home. But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t partake in this meaty goodness. Hope you had one for this Toastycritic.
6) Mission To Mice. Musk Spends Billions On Sending Mice Food To Space.
Sometimes there are good reasons to not launch a spacecraft out into the atmosphere. All kinds of inclement weather can affect what happens to you while you make that stomach-churning ride into the cosmos. And then there are not quite as good reasons. Not shooting up the rocket to replenish a space station because some mice food has gotten moldy just might be one of them. Then again, you wouldn’t want to harm any mice you shot up into space, would you? Those innocent little creatures starving in space would be a bad thing, right? (Ok, so maybe an astronaut could share a bit of food with them.
Whatever the reason, Musk made sure there was a no-go for launch on one day because of the moldy mice food in order to produce the finest in mice creme brûlée: cheese. Such a delay could cost millions of dollars, but whatever. The mice must be served their delicious delicacies up there in the great unknown. We at the Guide hope they enjoy their Brie as Tesla eventually crashes and burns because people realize Mr. Musk may not have all his marbles or even half of them.
7) Cheesecake Factory Already All Over Dessert For Dinner: Gives Away 40K Worth Of Cheesecake Slices.
Speaking of cheese, Cheesecake Factory decided to get in on the cheap, or in this instance free, food giveaway. Or maybe they just saw the opening in the dessert market and tried to capitalize as dessert will be the new main dish at everyone’s Christmas table. Whatever the case, the Factory made sure to give away 40 thousand slices of cheesecake to the public in celebration of its anniversary. The expected rioting and theft ensued as many a dessert seller tried to break up such an obvious effort by the Cheesecake Factory to corner the dessert market for the holiday. Or maybe it was just one man who couldn’t get enough cheesecake.
8) Dogs Are People Too! Better Living Through Drugs Has Reached The Dog Population With New Anti-Scare Drug!
When it comes to the animal kingdom, the dog population has it as good as any other. They are treated, fed, exercised, and protected like any good family member. And probably loved well more than a few of them. (As an aside, I love my Oreo, and he loves me . . . for food . . . and the occasional cuddle.) This view of our beloved canines lead to a movement to make dogs into people. (Have you seen the sweater vest on some Terriers lately? I tell ya!)
This people movement has spread into the scientific community as they have decided it was high time to give dogs drugs just like we medicate people. To this effect, they have created the latest and greatest in all dog pharmaceuticals as they have created an Anti-Scare drug for dogs. (What could possibly go wrong with this? I mean, it worked for humans right? Shh about the opioid epidemic.) Just give one of these babies to your pooch and they will no longer be terrified at the fireworks banging in the neighborhood. They won’t even attack your Aunty May as she walks in your house to criticize you for the 50th time about your dry turkey and pathetic oven. We at the Guide feel like they should provide dribble cups for your dog to go with this great drug because nothing says the “high-life” like a dribble cup.
9) In A Bid For Most Insane Study Ever, Researches Test Driving While Drugged.
Scientists have been testing crazy things for years. After all, they thought to test the effect of cow burps on the environment was a necessary scientific study. (If it did affect global warming does that mean we should go genocidal on cows? One wonders at the conclusions of just such a study would produce.) With such wonderful studies already undertaken, these bored biologists decided another such study was essential to necessitate their existence. What study did they pick? Drugged Driving.
We at the Guide realize there is an opioid epidemic going on which is tragic and killing thousands of people each year. But why on earth would you believe that giving these drugs to people and then putting them behind the wheel of a car (a possibly deadly weapon) would be a good thing? Nevertheless, these prognosticators pushed on ahead to test drive these vehicles manned by people under the influence. And their results? Drugged drivers aren’t as bad as they would have thought. Maybe. Or maybe these doctors were ingesting a few too many of said painkillers themselves. The world may never know.
10) Jennifer Aniston Swears Ex-Husband And Adam Sander Did Not Drive Her So Crazy She Needed Therapy. She’s Needed Therapy For Years.
When it comes to Hollywood Starlets who seems to get her name in the paper for all the wrong reasons, Jennifer Aniston seems to take the cake. We at the Guide do feel a little sorry for her, as her love life is constantly splashed onto the tabloids, right next to the love life of her ex, Brad Pitt. Ms. Aniston is well aware of these issues she has and so occasionally she decides to get out front of them by going and doing interviews with the press directly. Sometimes this helps. But after this last interview, we at the Guide recommend that she stop, or that her publicist stop her.
Why do we come to this recommendation? How could we say such a thing? Isn’t telling your own story better than someone else telling it? Usually, we would say yes, but her last statement to the press about not having to go to therapy because of her ex-husband or her current co-star Adam Sandler did leave a little to be desired. While it’s a nice thing to get them off the hook for causing a breakdown is a nice thing, then expressing you have needed a therapist for decades, and declaring yourself one of the most well-adjusted starlets in Hollywood, might not win you any favors . . . or starring roles. Whatever the case for Ms. Aniston, we wish her well, and tell her the next time someone with a mic starts asking her questions, just say no.
11) My Spidey Senses Are Tingling. Spider-Man Will Come Back To Life In Avengers 4. A Little Birdy (And Possibly A New Movie) Told Me So.
Welcome to number 11, and the final story of mayhem this week, as the Guide makes its first venture into 11 insane stories. And for number 11, and a little mayhem, we couldn’t do better than to discuss the upcoming Avengers (ahem Thanos!) movie. Yes, we left our intrepid heroes half wiped from existence. We at the Guide can understand how this ending greatly upset some. But they are coming back. Our Spidey senses tell us so. Or maybe it’s just a new Marvel press release.
Marvel has been religiously trying to protect secrets from being released for the new Avengers movie coming out next May. Closed sets and mum actors have been the word of the day. But it appears they did let one little cat out of the bag. Some of those stars will be coming back to life . . . or at least we know a red and blue-suited hero with webs shooting from his wrists will.
They announced the new Spider-Man movie would be taking place after the events of the next Avengers movie. Which would mean said hero would need to come back to life. Or else they are psyching us all out for the new movie Spider Gwen. We are guessing on the former but would be really excited to see the latter. Whatever the case, we cannot wait for the new Marvel movies coming out this next year. You can check out the latest trailer for Miss Marvel on release here:
Continue The Conversation
While this one went to eleven, we would still love to know, which of these fake news stories were your favorite? Did you get out there and get a Sonic Corn Dog or a free piece of cheesecake this last week? And how have the holidays been treating you? Has it been a nice escape from the news out there? We certainly hope so.
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Until next time, this is me signing off.
David Elliott, Single Dad’s Guide to Life