The Single Dad’s Guide To Fake News – Lucky Thirteen Edition

Hi!  And welcome to happy 13 of The Single Dad’s Guide to Fake News.  It’s been a little while since my last installment, partially because I have been going through crazy health issues, and partially because I have other fun work issues to navigate.  Oh and a little bit of a vacation which I have definitely needed came to pass.  And I’m enjoying that, which gave me a spark to write again and find the humor in life again.  So welcome back as the Guide proudly presents The Single Dad’s Guide to Fake News: The Lucky Thirteen edition.

When I got to thirteen, I briefly toyed with skipping it, like they do in many hotels where they have a 12th floor and a 14th floor but no number thirteen.  (I always wonder whether they just skip a number on the buttons or whether they have an empty floor 13 that no one visits.  The romantic in me hopes it’s the latter.  Maybe Knott’s should do something like that at Scary Farm at their hotel.  It could be fun.  

But to be honest, I couldn’t skip it because 13 was just never very unlucky to me.  Speak to me about 14 and we have a whole other issue, aside from it being the day I was born.  I have never had a problem with 13 so I will not be cowed by broken mirrors, broken glass or crazy wandering black cats.  And here is our number thirteen.

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But thirteen of what you ask? (For the uninitiated.)  I’m glad you asked.  Because you are about to get your socks rocked off by the latest and greatest in Fake News entertainment.  With so many people claiming they are real news and stating everyone else is Fake News, where is one to turn?  Well, to Fake News obviously.  

Why read this Fake News, you ask?  It is not only because you don’t have to worry about finding a fact checker.  And then finding a fact checker on the fact checker.  Then a fact checker on the fact checker on the fact checker.  And so on.  But also because it’s just too darn fun to pass up.  Because our titles are more fun, and our articles zanier than anything except a Norm MacDonald sketch. (Yes, I am in awe of Mr. MacDonald and he did Fake News like no one else.)

So sit back, relax, pull up a chair, get a nice cool one (whatever a nice cool one for you means), and read the top ten crazy stories of the week that was, all presented to you here in one messed up article.  Because the Guide proudly presents to you now The Single Dad’s Guide to Fake News: Lucky Thirteen edition.

The Single Dad’s Guide To Fake News – Lucky Thirteen Edition

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1)  Surprise!  Steve Jobs Was A Jerk.  And Other Things Which Do Not Shock Anyone.

I think I am becoming too jaded after reading too many news stories.  When it comes to things they try to shock and titillate me with, these non-shocking news stories rate just below a washing machine rumble.  The stories they come up with just don’t surprise me anymore, except for the fact they surprise anyone.

This weeks edition of the Fake News Guide has some doozy non-shocking stories for your bemusement.  First up, Steve Jobs was a sick SOB who treated everyone around him like crap and was probably mentally ill to boot.  Ok, maybe I made up the last one except I did hear somewhere he has Asperger’s. While I cannot confirm nor deny this diagnosis, ignore the preceding comment.  

What we do know was that he was a jerk to everyone who was around him.  Maybe that goes with the territory of Rich and fabulously wealthy computer titan.  With a big dose of smug included in it.  (Yes this is you, Zuckerberg.). Let’s just hope Zuckerberg treats his children with more respect than Jobs treated his.  

As Mr. Jobs, according to his daughter, denied her existence with a paternity suit at birth.  Tried his darnedest not to give her anything other than experiences which benefitted his ego.  And hey, telling your daughter that they will receive nothing and like it ranks high up there in conversations I will never be having with my daughter.  

So why is this a news story?  I cannot even be sure.  Jobs is dead.  His legacy lives on, and so do his unloved children.  Let’s give them some peace as they pick up the pieces from the not nice man who made all of our lives a little more insane by the phones he stuck in our pockets.  R.I.P Mr. Jobs, you jerk.  But I repeat myself.

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2)      Steve Jobs Is Dead!  Long Live Steve Jobs! 

If there were one thing I was certain of after the death of Steve Jobs, it would be that Apple would go bust (evidently fake news).  And who knows?  Sometime in the future, I might be considered prescient, if it weren’t for those Apple Worshipping crazies who can’t imagine life without an iPhone, clutching it in their hands late at night and whispering to their phones their never changing love and adoration. (Shh!  Yes, I have an iPhone and a MacBook.  Look over at shiny number three up ahead.  You know you want to.)

What I have to admit is I was so wrong about the death of Jobs being the death of Apple.  While Apple did seem to falter when Jobs previously left the company and he went to establish some rinky-dink film company names Pixar, it appears they have a better pulse on where they should be going from here than they have in the past.

Although give it some time and they may fail yet.  Whatever the case, it appears Jobs left the company in much better hands than he had previously.  And I for one am relieved given my current reliance on their technology.  Because everything is about me and my need for tech support.  If the time comes I should get another system aside from a Mac, Apple can be free to fail then.  But not a moment sooner.

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3) Runaway Monster Threatens To Destroy The Bermuda Triangle.

When it comes to the Bermuda Triangle, no conspiracy theory or Fake News story could do it justice.  Right up there with the Loch Ness Monster and Area 51, it’s the stuff of which kid’s nightmares are made.  And while Nessy and Area 51 never really terrified me, the idea of something going on out there in the Triangle did give me a nightmare or two in my youth.  (I think I watched In Search Of reruns one too many times.  Hey, admit it!  If you were around back then the voice of Leonard Nimoy frightened you too.  Spock or no Spock.)

I always assumed there was some sort of monster or pirate involved in the taking of all those ships and planes lost at sea. And not it appears I was right all along.  Ok. Maybe only half right.  Because the monster turns out to be Monster Waves.  Evidently, the Triangle produces waves some 100 foot high, rivaling the craziest of Tsunamis.  It seems to be a frequent phenomenon in the region which could easily explain missing ships at sea from back then.

As for why the aircraft went down as well, they seem to leave no explanation.  Unless of course, a pilot is flying just 100 feet above sea level.  And then I ask what in the world are those crazy pilots thinking?  Maybe someday we will know.  Maybe it’s massive monster sound waves.  Or maybe there is a magical dragon taking out airplanes in the region?  And it’s doubtful we will get any anytime soon.

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4) Boy Possibly Abducted, By A Possible Suspect, Which Was Reported By A Possible Parent, Who May Or May Not Have Known What Happened.  Perhaps! 

Aside from the many bridges out there in Madison County and in Clint Eastwood’s fever dreams, it seems to be a place where no one seems to know what the heck is going on from minute to minute.  Why do I say this?  Try to make any sense out of this next story.

Yes, the title of the article is Boy Possibly Abducted in Madison County.  But read any sentence thereafter and try to understand it if you can.  Because the language sounds like the author cannot get enough of his waffles, or anyone else’s for that matter.  The lovely story includes: “Boy possibly kidnapped”, “officials did not confirm where she was found”, “officials believe his he is with . . .”, and my personal favorite “he could be in a . . . Honda Accord or driving . . A Cadillac SUV.”  Same difference there I’m sure.

After reading a few sentences my head started to spin and I wondered if Rod Serling was laughing around the corner.  But then I realized I didn’t believe in ghosts so I wasn’t sure what I was thinking.  Whatever the case, we hope they find that possibly kidnapped boy alive and he is unharmed.

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5)  Everything I Wanted To Know About Eating Batts But Were Afraid To Ask.  Or Osborne Offspring Goes Rabid in Fight With Ex-Wife.

When it comes to using a bat, no one does it quite like an Osborne.  I remember first hearing that the patriarch of the Osborne family had bitten the head off a bat as some Satanic ritual. Of course, that turned out to be a total farce as were most of those silly things back then like the strange voices coming out of playing records backward.  (All I can say is what were we thinking really???)

Hearing the real story behind the fake news ordeal did make me laugh quite a bit.  And then hunch over in pain thinking of all the rabies shots the aforementioned Ozzy had to take because of his fun little stunt.  Word to all of your prospective showman out there.  Do not go biting the head off of fake bats because someone might toss you a real one someday and you might not be looking.  And then ew!

Evidently, Ozzy’s son has taken up his father’s penchant for hitting things.  Whether he starts to drool while hitting things because he bit a head off a bat, one can only wonder.  Ok, maybe Jack is not quite that bad.  But whatever the issue is, he went after his ex because of her bringing around the new man in her life to their living quarters.  

As a divorced parent myself, I have one piece of advice for Jack.  Get the hell out.  Or if she is the one crashing your pad, show her the door quickly.  Provide for her and her kids. Sure.  Keep them safe.  Absolutely!  But don’t have them around.  Even if you are hoping to work it out, having them in this situation won’t end well . . . as sympathetic I am to his plight.  Just give yourself and her space if you hope to work it out.  But get out whatever you do.  Hopefully, whatever is running through his mind, Jack can see by now and his father can attest, bats are for balls, not people.  

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6) Robert Redford, Mr. Old Eye Bags Himself, Will Be Calling It a Day.  And For All Of Us, The Sun Won’t Dance Anymore.

When it comes to acting, no one looks more tired than Mr. Robert Redford.  While remaining a star for much of his life, he didn’t really hit it big until the late 60s into the 70s with classics like Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid, and the Sting. But as Sundance came out in 69 this would have made him the 33 by the time his star would really be taking off.  And nothing stood out more prominently on Robert Redford (aside from his eyes) were the prominent eye bags he seemed to have in every one of his pictures.  

Well evidently, the Lord of the eye bags has decided to call it a day acting in films.   And while he has lost a little bit of his boyish demeanor and charm of the Butch Cassidy days in favor of eye bags and long-winded narratives (see A River Runs Through It), he will be missed as a major contributor to the film industry, specifically the independent film industry.  Feels like he should go out with guns blazing . . . which he kind of does as the one bank robber who never minds getting caught because escape comes so easily to him.  Catch his pies de resistance with his The Old Man and The Gun, coming to a theater near you this September.

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7) Surprise!  Hollywood Degrades Women.  Wait.  Sorry.  No Surprise.

So Evangeline Lilly of the television show Lost fame has transitioned into a film career, somewhat fortuitously with The Ant-Man and the Wasp.  She was also a major contributor to the original Ant-Man.  It seems like it’s a given when any of these major Marvel movies come out they try to get the scoop from these action heroes, trying to unearth the dirt behind their superhero rectitude.  

Ms. Lilly decided she would answer their call with some shocking dirt of her own. She told The Independent that Hollywood pressed their female stars to do nude scenes.  And they tried to set her up in bad situations to ensure she complied with their requests.  It’s so shocking to hear this as Ronan Farrow must be rolling his eyeballs right now.  Hello!  #MeToo and all that.  Given how many of these handsy indiscriminate people there are in Hollywood, would it be too hard to leap to the conclusion they would pressure you for a nude scene?

Don’t get me wrong.  I am not saying this makes any of this right.  The whole notion of the casting couch came from somewhere.  Unfortunately, we have realized of late how real that scenario is.  And what’s worse is that Hollywood has been covering this up for decades.  Which makes this big reveal by Evangeline a big nothing burger.  I suppose the Independent will have to try harder next time getting the scoop of the century.  

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8) Can You Believe it???  Willis Outlived Them All!!!

Being a child born in the early 70s and spending a good deal of my formative years in the 80s, everyone knew of Different Strokes.  There was the irrepressible Gary Coleman as Arnold Jackson, Todd Bridges as Willis Jackson, Dana Plato as Kimberly Drummond, Conrad Bain as the patriarch Phillip Drummond, and a cast of other characters.

As the show faded from view and eventually was canceled, a mainstay on the nightly news was Todd Bridges self-destructive spiral.  He seemed to be in a never-ending series of tangles with the law and substance abuse.  And whenever he seemed to get free of it (I.e. he wasn’t appearing on the nightly news), up would pop his face on the nightly news to remind you he was still in trouble.

Well, guess what?  Todd Bridges is the last surviving member of Different Strokes.  I suppose there should be some kind of award for outliving the rest of his cohorts.  But somehow given the fact he is only 51 years of age, I just cannot summon the courage to give him a Bronx cheer for his longevity.  All I can do is hope he has cleaned up his life so he can survive another 20 years without people hounding his every step.  And on a good note, I haven’t seen him in the news recently except for this.  Here’s to hoping he is doing something right.

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9) Doggy Kisses Cause Amputation To Unfortunate Wisconsin Man.  Now, Who Wants Some Doggy Lovin?

How many have stared at the TV while one of those rich heiresses (yes I am speaking of you Paris Hilton) allows themselves to be licked on the mouth like the dog is trying to give her some tongue?  I would say that it’s crazy and it’s something these people encourage in the dog.  But given the fact that I have had multiple dogs and they all try to lick you in the mouth, I know dogs enjoy this activity (gross as it may be to me).  Why they want to do it is anyone’s guess?  Why rich people encourage their dogs to do this to them . . . hmmm.

Well after this next fake news story, I’m thinking they might want to reconsider.  Because a Wisconsin man has had to have his legs and forearms amputated from contracting a rare disease passed on to him through a dogs saliva.  I have heard being given the kiss of death before.  I just never realized it came from a dog.

And don’t get too uppity all you cat owners out there.  It would appear that the same disease can be passed on through a cat as well as the cause of the disease does not discriminate between cat or dog.  So remember that as your shnooky wookums is licking the frosting from your lips in the future.  (Read the whole article though . . . because while pets may be the cause of this man’s calamity, it appears it’s exceedingly rare and doctors want you to go on treating your pets like you always have.  And I have no problem with that.  Because no dog will be licking my mouth thank you!

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10) This Amount Of Alcohol Is Too Much.  And This Amount Of Alcohol Is Too Little.  But This Amount Of Alcohol Is Just Right.  Maybe?

Ah, the beauty of people who carry the mantle of nutritionists.  It’s one of the few “sciences” out there I most frequently think of as a pseudo-science (not unlike fake news).  Yes, I am being a bit harsh when it comes to nutritionists.  Although I am probably a bit hard on doctors too as after they gutted my brother-in-law with no clue what they were doing (yes I blame you Hoag hospital and your team of lawyers for being awful human beings).  I have come to realize when they say doctors have a practice, it’s because they are practicing on you.

And with nutrition, this goes doubly so.  Most often when it comes to intolerances, allergens, and the like nutritionists can merely describe what the body is doing without any good reason why.  Hence when they are making proclamations about food, it’s more often than not a vast generalization with no specific application.  So this food causes cancer.  Or it might not.  This drink causes heart disease or it might not.  This food or that drink makes you healthy, or it rots your teeth.  We just cannot say.

The problem comes when they are talking about food or drink, such as alcohol, they generalize about the reasons why things happen without a good way to prove a correlation.  Evidently, in the 90s they did a study of French people.  And the vast population has fewer incidents of heart disease and cholesterol problems, despite a diet high in creams and eggs.  

In walks the nutritionists telling you it must be the wine they are drinking then.  It must have helped them be healthier.  Why do they think this?  Darned if I know.  No proof.  No ideas.  Just an assertion because those crazy French drink wine don’t they.  

So for the past 20+ years, they have tried to prove this assertion.  Well, guess what?  They have no clue whatsoever as to why the general population is better off.  Maybe it’s the fact they sneer down their noses at everyone else.  (Ok, maybe not all the French do this. And maybe they just like smelling the strange fragrance of the air.)  Who knows?

What they have found is that they don’t even have a clue where to begin with such a study.  Why?  They don’t know how much wine is too much wine.  Or how much wine is a moderate amount for that matter?  Is it one cups?  Two?  Four?  Just before you are passed out on your Aunt Margery’s sofa with a long string of drool down your lips wondering what the heck happened the night before?  And then how do you isolate this wine variable from all other possible variables?  Oh, that’s right.  You can’t!

So should you drink that extra glass of wine to help with your heart health?  Or should you just say no?  I don’t know.  What I can tell you right now is neither does your nutritionist.  So drink up.  Or don’t.  Just don’t drink too much because we know for certain that’s bad.  While we don’t know what too much is either, I’m figuring that drool coming down your lip right now says you have had one too many.  Put back the bottle.  Mic dropped.

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