Hi and welcome to the wildest blog in the wilderness. From the dark jungles of Southern California where these strange neon signs must be cut down with a machete and wild creatures with rings in their ears and who speak in foreign languages like Valley Girl roam the streets. It’s a dangerous place out there but we are dedicated to the proposition that all fake news is created equal. Hence, we endeavor to bring it to you for this abbreviated Fourth of July Weekend Fake News extravaganza. Welcome to the Single Dad’s Guide to Fake News: Volume 28.
Why would we celebrate Fake News on the Fourth of July Weekend? Because what’s more American than celebrating all the ridiculous things we are informed of on a regular basis? Or maybe . . . and it’s a big maybe . . . I think laughter cures a multitude of ills. And what could be better than getting yourself some snort filled, pound your fist on the floor, belly laughs meant to make you have the best Fourth of July imaginable? Just don’t be reading this with a glass of milk and a straw. Because you never know what might happen.
Some of you are screaming right now at your computer screen or iPhone, yelling what in the world is fake news? And why would you find it funny? Think Jonathan Swifts a modest proposal pulled from the pages of the internet. We take all the fake news unfit to print and bring it to your very doorstep. In short, we go to Google Trends and find the hottest topics of the day and make sure they look nothing like the original. Ok, maybe a little like the original but we twist them to suit our purposes, which includes a steady stream of milk shooting out your nose. Or maybe Root beer. Because . . . wow!
After which, we throw in a little commentary and bring it all to you with a shiny ribbon on it. What? You mean you don’t see any ribbon on this blog post??? I knew not paying the digital marketing team would end up with them on a pay strike. I’d have the HR team fire them, but they aren’t getting paid either. So I guess I will have to make do with what I got. Which is a ton of great fake news content? So let’s get to it. Without further ado, the Guide proudly presents The Single Dad’s Guide to Fake News: Volume 28, The Independence Day Edition.
The Single Dad’s Guide To Fake News: Volume 28
1) Attack of the Killer Bottle Caps, Part 3. This Time You Could Poke Your Eye Out
Watch out. Be on the lookout for bottles with flying caps which could come and take our your eyes. They might be hiding around any corner. Or they could jump out at you from their perch in a local convenience store. You may think they look like harmless bottle caps, but you’d be wrong. They are deadly devices meant to blind you and rob you of your will to live. So, look out!
What do you mean, I sound like I need to be in a local looney bin? I’m just warning you with every ounce of truth I can muster. After all, Jason Statham found it necessary to attack one to prevent it from coming after him. And if Jason Statham attacks a bottle cap, I need to attack one too. They must be after us after all. They are so dangerous, even John Mayer (wedding crasher extraordinaire) got into the act of attacking those deadly caps of destruction. So, get yourself some sunglasses or else. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
2) In Hollywood, They Are Just Like We Are. Here Are 120 Million Reasons Why.
It’s always amusing to open the pages to People or US Magazine and look at the Hollywood Celebrity photos attempting to fat shame the rich and famous. Or maybe they are shaming them for bed head. One can never quite tell the difference. Whatever the case, these magazines try to prove how much these people are just like us. Now don’t get me wrong. I believe they are human beings from the planet earth, not some species from Mars set out to take control of the universe by manipulating our minds through mindless entertainment. Wait . . .
Ok, so they aren’t those so-called Martians, but are they like us? Really? Really? I’m guessing you didn’t have to choose between your Maserati and your Rolls Royce Sweptail today. And I’m certain you didn’t put your house on the market for 200 million dollars only to be disappointed in the sale at 120 million. Well, that’s just what happened to the people selling the former Aaron Spellings mansion like property. I remember visiting there with a friend once upon a time. I was told the house was divided up, so Tori Spelling could avoid her dad all day and still live under the same roof. Exactly like us…
3) The Walking Dead Passed Away Last Night At 193
When it comes to series which go on interminably with no conclusion, the Walking Dead must rank up there in the pantheon of the never-ending. Its creators have finally decided, 193 comics later, the story had reached its apex and must have a conclusion. I’m not sure how you would end a dead thing aside from nuclear annihilation and the hope that the dead do not once again spring to life afterward. Then again, as scary as the possibilities of zombies are, if you never find an answer to what created them in the first place, how must the series end when everyone has the virus inside them? No happy endings allowed. Although, maybe a song and dance number would suffice. Then again, heads might roll if that happened.
4) Flesh-Eating Bacteria In The Water. Nothing To See Here.
It would appear there seems to be a Flesh-Eating Bacteria epidemic off the waters in Florida in South Texas as two people within the last week have either died or are under serious hospital care from this rotting flesh infection. Both people, in their mid to late 70s were out doing something when they ended up with a cut on a body part and had the cut exposed to the warm waters of the Gulf. You can cue the gasps here as within a day they suddenly experienced pain from the site of the cut. The bacteria then went to work until it killed the woman and damaged the other man’s hand, which now requires plastic surgery.
But should we worry? Nah! Because the government (who has no vested interest whatsoever in not causing a panic) told us not to. Evidently, these flesh-eating bacteria are common to the waters during the summer months. But don’t sweat it as it only seems to affect a handful of people. But who those people are, no one can say for sure. So, don’t worry. It’s like playing Russian Roulette when you go into the water. What could possibly go wrong?
5) Dr. Frankenstein, meet your latest test subject: The Humkey.
In another of those what could possibly go wrong here moments, we have the first inklings of where science will go into the future. And it begins with what many believe to be our closing living ancestors of the animal kingdom: monkeys. These brave souls are now being experimented on by the Darwin Award winners who brought you New Coke and Chernobyl. Ok, maybe they aren’t those same people, but it wouldn’t surprise me if they were involved. These genius scientists decided if they couldn’t find the missing link, why not create one?
Beginning with inserting the proteins which have been responsible for Alzheimer’s into monkeys, they intend on recreating the Alzheimer’s there to make them . . . fall apart and forget things, eventually, die? Great job scientists. But that’s not all. They intend on making these animals grow organs for human harvesting and organ transplant. Nothing bad to see here. Move along. What’s my name you ask? Just call me Igor.
6) And In Other Bacterial Infection News . . .
It would appear Chipotle is not the only major company on the hook for the infected product. Natural food sellers Green Giant, Trader Joe’s, Growers Express, and Signature Farms seem to be having a little bit of the summer bacteria scare. Growers Express put out a warning of possible Listeria contamination in their products, so you should get rid of any of the butternut squash veggie bowls you have on the shelves right now. Of course, having them tell you to get rid of food with best used by dates of June 26th through June 29th might be a tiny bit on the late side. And if you already ate the food by this point . . . we wish you good fortune.
7) Alfred Hitchcock Was Just 55 Years Too Early As Swan Bites Dog
Be on the lookout for vicious swans as they just recently murdered a Dog in Terenure Island. Whether other birds will be out there killing dogs and maiming babies, God only knows. We only know this vicious swan decided it would be a good idea to murder an innocent dog who was minding its own business while swimming in a lake. You may have thought swans were nice peaceful creatures but oh, no! They are vicious assassins hellbent on destroying all life around them without precaution to anyone or anything.
Wait. We are getting other reports now that state maybe the Swan wasn’t wholly to blame. It’s just possible the dog was allowed to roam free without a leash. And maybe, just maybe the swan considered the dog a threat as he was swimming to the little baby swans on the banks of the lake. I think we will chalk this one up to self-defense, and an irresponsible owner, as tragic as the outcome might have been.
8) Let The Streaming Wars Begin
Nothing says Independence like a little war between two rival companies in the United States: Netflix and Disney. For several years now, Disney has owned the rights to the Marvel Franchise as they owned almost all productions of the Marvel Universe except Spiderman, X-Men, the Defenders on Netflix, and Deadpool. Of course, they bought up the rights to Twentieth Century Fox, bringing X-Men and Deadpool into the fold. And they have a working partnership with Sony on the Spiderman series leaving Netflix out in the cold. Well, things got a little colder a couple of years back when Disney announced it would be running its own streaming platform in November of this year called Disney+.
Let’s just say Netflix was a little “nonplused” by what Disney announced. (Yes, I hope you got the pun there because I earn my dad joke credentials. Netflix then decided to ditch the Defenders catalog saying Disney would be pulling it off the air. A fight ensued about how true this was and what might happen. Now Netflix is dropping the gauntlet once more with a not so subtle threat about removing the Defenders series from Netflix altogether, leaving fans of the show out in the cold. Sounds like it’s going to be a crazy few months leading up to the Disney+ release in November of this year. So throw a bag of popcorn in your microwave and this Fourth of July, let the streaming wars commence.
9) Welcome To The Home Of The Red, White, And Ice Cream Lickers
One might argue nothing should surprise me anymore. Between flying rattlesnakes and Kim Kardashian therapy sessions, I should be looking out for Armageddon. So, when on the lookout for stories recognizing the degradation of society, nothing should faze me. Until now. I just got the scoop of a lifetime, as it were, as we have found the greatest tragedy known to man. Ice cream lickers. There appears to be an ice cream licking epidemic in our society and we must get to the bottom of it.
Twitter, the bastion of the absolutely 100 percent True News™, released a video with a scandalous shot of a female perpetrator’s tongue caressing the top of a pint of ice cream and then putting it back into the freezer. As much as I love ice cream, and I love sharing, I don’t think I want to share this female customer’s germs with myself or anyone else.
Blue Bell Creameries, the manufacturer of said ice cream vowed to get to the bottom of this dairy disaster and milk the publicity for all its worth. Ok, maybe they didn’t say the last one, but I think they should have. One suggestion for ice cream makers in the future. Put a little plastic sheet on the top so that those ice cream licking perpetrators will have to “break the seal” making the ice cream no longer sellable. Or you can tell your customers, lick at your own risk. I’ll leave it to you which sounds more profitable.
10) If Nike And A Certain Former Quarterback Got You Down, Go Zombie!
Nothing says the Fourth of July for a proud American than the BBQs, fireworks, and the flag. And while some American corporations decide it’s ok to ditch the flag this year, one proud Doughnut Shop makes sure to make your holiday sweet. Voodoo Doughnuts decided to release a line of festive Doughnuts to give you enough red, white, and blue to take the edge off other disappointments. Between the Cherry Bomb, the American, and the Independence Day, you will satiate your American dreams with a pinch of diabetes and an ounce of Obesity. But who cares? Doughnuts right! Right!
Wrapping Things Up
After a little doughnut insanity, what did you think of the Fourth of July Day Fake News extravaganza? Ok, so I know you might be avoiding the Gulf of Mexico, Veggie Bowls, and soda aisles, but you got a good laugh right? We hope you and your family can take all this great fake news in stride and can go out and enjoy your fourth with a gusto. Between the fireworks, the great BBQ, and the amazing time with your family, we hope you can enjoy this happy time. It’s one of our favorite holidays, and we hope it is for you as well.
A Little Extra For This Fourth Of July
“We must be free not because we claim freedom, but because we practice it.” – William Faulkner
“We on this continent should never forget that men first crossed the Atlantic not to find soil for their ploughs but to secure liberty for their souls. – Robert J. McCracken
“When you’re born, you get a ticket to the freak show. When you’re born in America, you get a front row seat.” -George Carlin
“My father described this tall lady who stands in the middle of the New York harbour, holding high torch to welcome people seeking freedom in America. I instantly fell in love.” -Yakov Smirnoff
“Happy 4th of July! Drink until you see stars… and stripes!” -Unknown
Continue The Conversation
What was your fake news favorite story of the week? What are you looking forward to on this Fourth? How do you celebrate where you live? What is your favorite Holiday?
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Until next time, this is me signing off.
David Elliott, The Single Dad’s Guide to Life