We interrupt our regularly scheduled post to bring you something entirely different.  What would that be, you ask?  As you may have already heard, we threw out the weekly food post to bring you a special bulletin.  (Ok, we didn’t throw out our food posts entirely now, even if we give fake news and put the food holiday on the wrong day.)  As you may already have read, a wild eyed showman with a black hat and his troupe of miscreants took over the cafeteria and sent the people up in arms.  Regardless of how many people were entertained by the group, we received daily phone calls letting us know that this “Greatest Showman” was nothing more than a wide-eyed opportunist who took advantage of other people’s misfortune.

If you remember from last week, we sent in our intrepid reporters to figure out what was going on with these crazy people.  Men throwing tables around and women with large beards was too much for the Temperance society to take.  We knew we couldn’t let this crime against humanity stand.  So we looked forward to bringing to you first-hand knowledge of the harrowing tale.  Unfortunately, all of our reporters quit on the spot after hearing something they said was a lion roaring through the halls.  Of course we knew this couldn’t be the case, but we couldn’t convince them of this.

So after scouring through our staff for the biggest suckers, I mean hard working mail men in our mail room, we sent in the best of the lot to figure out what was going on.  Of course he demanded double his pay and a by line, and so we thought about it for a long time.  Eventually, we all agreed to lie to him and tell him we’d pay him so he’d be dumb enough to test his luck.  Of course, he only got so far with the first interview when he feared Barnum actually intended to cut off his hand to show him how much he cared about those who worked for him.  We were told at the next show Barnum had a hook for a hand, but we have now been able to confirm through some unreliable sources Barnum did not have a hook for a hand that night.  We repeat.  There was no hook for a hand.

We did end up having to talk down the mail boy from the ledge when we pushed him to speak with Barnum again.  He demanded quadruple his salary and a nice cushy office.  We could hardly believe the nerve he had, but when we realized how easy it was to lie to him in the first place, we promised him the moon and that we would take him to where Elvis really was so that he could get the exclusive story and he gave in.  Of course, at first we promised he would only have to interview people leaving Barnum’s show.  These are some of the best soundbites from those interviews.


“Barnum has such a yuge personality.  Not like me of course.   Because no one tops the DJ.  It’s quite a show he puts on.  I can say this about it.  He is going to make show business great again.”  – DJ Drumpf

 

“I knew that there was something shaky about the man from the moment I laid eyes on him.  Between the cross-dressers and midgets, I knew Barnum violated God’s laws.  His shows must be stopped.  I think it would be better if we went back to a the time of Adam and Eve and walk around in fig leaves and twigs.  Barnum is just too progressive.”  – Man with 16 year-old-girl we assume was his daughter.

 

“Barnum is just great.  He wows the crowd with his ensemble . . . and no one complains about him grabbing Tiger’s butts.  Because he’s good enough.  He’s smart enough.  And Gosh Darn It.  People like him.”  – Alan Frankentush

 

“He’s a monster and a sexist.  He abuses his women.  Me?  I love women.  Women should be respected and loved.  What do you mean you heard I love them too much, and that some people have complained?  There is no truth to the rumor that Teddy Roosevelt was going to come after me because of my desecration of plants.”  – Harvey “not the invisible rabbit even if we wish he had been” W.

 

“Do I think I could go up and take on those lions by myself?  Of course I do.  I have tigers blood in me so I can take on anything.  That wasn’t the question you asked?  What did I think of the bearded lady?  I don’t think I could express that in polite company.”  – C. Estevez

 

“What do I think about Barnum and his show you ask?  I am sure I have a story about this somewhere bouncing up in that head of mine.  Some people think we could be twins, but I think that’s just the hat talking.  All I have to say is this, ‘I destroy my enemy when I make him my friend.’” – Winner Most Popular Person in the Presidential Category.


I can tell you are intrigued, and I don’t blame you.  I was very interested myself after reading these quotes from some very notable people.  We knew we had to do a followup at all costs.  So we pushed and prodded, finally getting the mail boy to get out there and take one for the proverbial team.  Plus we promised to pay his mother if he got eaten by the lions.  And yes, we intended to pay his mother if he were eaten by the lions.  You do not think us that heartless do you?  So without further ado, the Guide presents the second part of the Mail Boy’s interview with the Great, Phineas Taylor Barnum


Interview With P.T. Barnum Part 2

Barnum:

So I see you have come back for more abuse.

Mail Boy:

What?

Barnum:

So good to see you again my boy.  What brings you to the Greatest Show on Earth?

Mail Boy:

My editor at the Guide set up this meeting with you this afternoon, don’t you remember?

Barnum:

What was the man’s name?  So many people talk to me all the time.  I cannot be expected to remember every little detail.

Mail Boy:

D. Elliott, from the Guide.

Barnum:

Never heard of him.

Mail Boy:

The Single Dad’s Guide to Life

Barnum:

Nope.

Mail Boy:

Whatever.  So about that not being expected to remember every detail, I’m told that you are a stickler for details.

Barnum:

No, that’s my wife.  She does so much better at the detail stuff.  I’m the big picture guy.  I’ve got the vision.  She somehow pieces it all together.  You know how they say behind every great man stands and even greater woman?  Well, in my case, it’s true.  I cannot imagine being able to do the things I have without her.  When people say you marry for love, I truly did.  My Charity is my love.

Mail Boy:

So, while your wife has been your back bone in your story, what would you say has been your greatest source of inspiration?  What do you think makes you who you are?

Barnum:

I’ve got the foresight.  Not in the prophetical sense they talk about in the Bible.  I just seemed to have been given visions and dreams for an early age.  It didn’t just focus on reality as it was.  These visions showed me what reality as it could be looked like.  If I said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: ‘A human soul, ‘that God has created and Christ died for,’ is not to be trifled with. It may tenant the body of a Chinaman, a Turk, an Arab or a Hottentot – it is still an immortal spirit.’  That is the world I wish to live in.

Mail Boy:

How very tolerant of you.

Barnum:

Just don’t repeat that for the Temperance Union.  I might never be invited back to polite society again.

Mail Boy:

(Laughter)

Barnum:

Was that funny?

Mail Boy:

(Silence)

Barnum (laughing):

I got you.  Bet you were afraid I was going to try to cut off my hand again.

Mail Boy:

Of course not.

Barnum:

Sure, sure.  Although I still think a conductor with a hook for a hand would make for quite a show.

Mail Boy:

I’m sure it would.

Barnum:

So do you have any other questions for me, my boy, before we bring this interview to a close?  Time is money as I always say, and I cannot afford to waste on single cent.

Mail Boy:

I’ll try to wrap this up as soon as possible, Mr. Barnum.

Barnum:

Fire away then.

Mail Boy:

Mr. Barnum, how did you think to support Jenny Lind, and isn’t she a big reason for your success as a businessman?

Barnum:

I would hardly say that.  But when I was over in Europe, I knew instantly I had heard the voice of an angel.  So I convinced her to take her voice to where it was needed most, America.  Between the tensions mounting which would result in the Civil War, I knew we needed someone to come in and speak beauty in the world.  And she did that.  But that was being moved by something greater than myself.

Mail Boy:

Some people say you don’t believe there is anything greater than yourself.

Barnum:

Don’t believe them son.  Every time I look into the joy shown in a child’s eye, or the laughter of an old man, I know it must come from somewhere greater than me.  I can encourage it, which I certainly do.  But I can’t replicate it.  And I can’t copy it.  It is distinct and beautiful.

Mail Boy:

One last question, if you could be any other person in the history of time and space, who would you be?

Barnum:

Why would I be anyone other than myself?  Honestly.  In all I have done in my life, I never wanted to do anything half-way.  I made sure to take all my dreams to the fullest extent and make them a reality.  How many people get to do that?  Of course, I didn’t always succeed.  But my successes far outweighed my failures in my mind.  So to answer the question, aside from a tear of joy in the eye of God, I would not be anyone else.  This is me.  I can be no other.

Mail Boy:

Thank you, Mr. Barnum.

Barnum:

Thank you, my boy.  And don’t forget to catch my life’s story at the picture show on December 20th.  And catch the soundtrack at Amazon, ITunes or wherever music is sold, available now.  These are so much better and faker than the biographies I made for myself when I was a lad.  I have to say I can appreciate how things have changed and yet remained the same.  It’s all about the show.


And with that we end our Interview with P.T. Barnum, the impresario behind show business, the popularity of the theater, and creator of the worlds first circus.  Firing up the Wayback machine can be quite a chore, but we believe it was worth it to get this wonderful interview from one of the world’s most fascinating gentleman.  We here at the Guide are excited for this musical creation from the makers of La La Land.  And with a much more talented singing cast, the sky is the limit for this production.  Also, congrats to Hugh Jackman being nominated for Best Actor and The Greatest Showman being nominated for Best Picture Musical or Comedy at the Golden Globes.  We hope you reach for the stars.

Continue The Conversation

So what did you think of the two part fake interviews with P.T. Barnum?  On my end, it was so interesting researching the life of this incredible man.  Whatever he may have believed spiritually, he always saw life as it could be.  I know I would love to have that said of me.  Because beautiful life exists in seeing what’s possible, not only what is.  Are you excited about the movie?  What Christmas time movies are you excited about seeing?

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If you liked this post, please follow me here at the Guide.  And like the post at the end.  All email subscribers will get access to the Dad Rules, 10 rules every father should know about and follow.  Thank you for stopping by.  We hope to see you again soon.

Until next time, this is me signing off.

David Elliott, Single Dad’s Guide to Life