Welcome to the Apocalypse. The Coronapocalypse. Now take a left turn at Albuquerque. While we are rocking our way to the end of the world, many people are thinking about dating. Why? Because we are alone. And boy don’t I know that. Aside from what’s going on at home, it definitely feels crappy to not have the one connection you want. Hence, you want to go out there and date during the apocalypse. So what the heck? The world is going to end tomorrow or next week anyway. What do you do now? What if you are still looking for that one person to cuddle with as you watch the flames rise over the planet? It sounds like the perfect time to get that date, right? Well, we are here to help you. Welcome to Dating 101 during the Coronapocalypse.
If you have read through all of my dating advice up to this point, you know I am completely serious all the time. Strike that. Some of the time. Or maybe 10 percent of the time. Around that. This means you may or may not have thrown away all of my dating advice in the past. Well, I’m here to tell you now. If you are going to start dating during the Coronapocalypse then it’s time to throw out any dating rule book completely. Even those rule books which are totally serious and patently ridiculous at the same time. Because there’s no rulebook for dating when the world burns. Which means I’m here at exactly the right time. It’s time to set the dating rules for the Coronapocalypse.
Dating 101 During The Coronapocalypse
Dating Rule Number 1: No Dick Pics
Showing pictures of your genitalia during the Coronapocalypse will still not win you the love of your life. Truthfully, it never impresses anyone. Not even the porn starlet who gives you a rating on your picture all while laughing and showing it to all of their friends. It doesn’t do much of anything. It might get you noticed. And it might get you someone who will try to take all of your money away from you. But having someone appreciate them enough to become the love of the last 20 minutes of your life? Not a chance.
Dating Rule Number 2: Desperation Stinks
Desperation is still a really bad cologne or perfume. Don’t get me wrong. Everyone wants to be with the love of their life at the ending of the world. And they might be quicker to make the decision with you than they would otherwise. Things might progress more quickly. But if they feel like you are desperately seeking anyone? Yeah, you might as well hug your teddy bear and watch the fires burn. Maybe get yourself a shot of whiskey as well. That might make you feel a little better anyway.
Dating Rule Number 3: Seeking Perfection Ends In Loneliness
I know many of you are running around talking about how you won’t seek less than your worth. And don’t get me wrong. That’s true. Except when the end of the world is happening a week from Tuesday. Seeking the perfect person when you have 40 to 60 years left to do so. Fine. Seeking the perfect person when you have a couple of weeks? Well, you can count on lonely nights with said teddy bear along with a “tears and sake” chaser. I suppose there is one thing you can be thankful for. You have very few of those days left to cry into your teddy.
Dating Rule Number 4: Dating Someone Who Already Had The Virus Is A Good Thing
Unlike other awful viruses that bury their way into the system of another person and you can get it at the drop of the hat, this virus works more like the flu bug. Once they have had it and gotten over it, they have immunity and won’t pass it on to you. So if you know they had the virus and they are over a month symptom-free, that might be the safest person on the history of the planet to be with. At least for the next year and a half until their immunity from Coronavirus wears off. So, I suppose no one is perfect.
Dating Rule Number 5: Every App Is A Dating Site
Once upon a time, there were dating apps and social media apps. And never the twain shall meet. And if they ever did intersect it was an act of God or you knew it was only a couple of days before they would be asking for an iTunes card, and trying to pick your pocket. Twitter and Instagram were not to find the love of your life. But when the world is about to end in twenty minutes, who’s to say you won’t find the love of your life on Twitter? Or maybe even Instagram. Anyplace it a place to find the love of your life when you have twenty minutes left. So just do it, as the Nike ad tells us all. (Nike is not a party to this satirical post and has not endorsed just dating anyone on Twitter or Instagram.)
Dating Rule Number 6: Your Romance Might Need To Live Within 50 Miles
Hearing about people arresting people for going out on a ride (something of which I respectfully disagree with), meeting your end of the world romance might need to live very near you. Which means you need to actually put a range on where this love will live. It does no good if they live a state away and they might arrest you or quarantine you for two weeks and the world ends in the meantime. So be reasonable about where this person might live. People with British Accents might be hot, but unless they live next door to you, give it up.
Dating Rule Number 7: FaceTime And Skype Are Dating Places
As there is no “place” to go out on a first date unless you want to wear a Darth Vader mask and go on a hike, you might have to consider FaceTime and Skype dating locations. Dating during the Coronapocalypse in person is hard. At least there you can flirt with the other person, see their eyes and reaction, and determine how they treat their two-year-old if you are dating a single parent. In fact, it might be a better clue about who they are to see them interact with their own family via the internet. Of course, if they are single with no family, it’s still going to be a crapshoot about how they behave with other people. And you still might create a fantasy about the person. But who cares? It’s a fantasy which will only last for two weeks anyway.
Dating Rule Number 8: Physical Contact Will Be Required
Get real. It’s the end of the world. And if a hug will kill you, who cares if the world is about to end? You will want that hug, kiss, caress, and wherever your two imaginations can take you. And your imaginations can take you a lot of places. Honestly, your imaginations will have to take you to a lot of places because there aren’t a lot of places left to go. Just don’t make it in the driveway of your ex’s mom. Because no matter how good it will feel to stick it to your ex and his/her mom, there are still things which will are uncool . . . even with the world ending.
Dating Rule Number 9: Don’t Kill Your Date, Or Their Roommate, Or Their Father’s Brother’s Sister’s Mother’s Aunt’s Former Roommate
When it comes to dating, nothing brings something down like a little murder. I know some of you sociopaths out there are looking forward to letting your freak flag fly. But it’s not cool. Because you want that closeness. And yet killing the person will kind of defeat that purpose. I just can’t go with hugging a corpse thing. And if you need to really hug a corpse, go to the morgue and get one.
Don’t make one a corpse in order to make that happen for you. If you need love, you just aren’t going to get it in this life. So hug that teddy bear a little tighter. And for those of you non-sociopaths, don’t do that death-defying act just to see how alive you are. Because you won’t be alive in 20 minutes anyway. So why end it ten minutes early? I get the wanting to go out on your own terms. But no. Just no.
Dating Rule Number 10: Ignore Rules One Through 8 But 9 Stands
Who am I kidding? Who cares what you do right now? It’s the apocalypse. And with the world ending, who am I to tell you what a successful date or non-date is? All of these rules may be true. But what good are they going to do in 2 and a half weeks when the world burns? If I tell you what to do when the world ends and you follow my advice, how happy will that make you? Not at all. Although who knows what you will be at that point.
Only those who believe in God and an afterlife might know. So ignore everything I said except about the killing people. Because that’s a look no one will like. Just one warning. If the world doesn’t actually end in two and a half weeks and you begin to realize you actually do have another 40 to 60 years left to ruin your life, ruining your life now because you showed your unwanted genitalia to half the planet might haunt you for the rest of your life. Just saying.
Wrapping Up Dating 101 During The Coronapocalypse
I hope you enjoyed these ten great rules to dating during this apocalyptic fervor we seem to all be mesmerized by. Don’t get me wrong. I hate this time as much as the rest of you. Even the blogger in me hates that my home has not become the place of both my full-time job and my side hustle. I never seem to escape the space. It’s just too much sometimes. And then I want to get out and just escape. But escape to where? And do what? When there are certain municipalities who are willing to question you for going out in your car on a ride to nowhere. I get it. Stay safe. Social distance. But when all you are sharing your air with is your child’s stuffed animal in the back seat of the car? It seems ridiculous to me.
So I figured we could all use a break and laugh at these ten rules for dating during the Coronapocalypse. And practice our social distance dating. Or non-dating as the case may be. I don’t have a teddy bear but I may be cuddling my dog Oreo a lot. He might think I turned into a dog. If I’m laying around and cuddling all day begging for food and attention, what am I? Laughter works for me. And sometimes a shot of whiskey. I just think you should do you during this time.
Don’t do something you wouldn’t ever do. But definitely do the things which bring you enjoyment now. Because suffering through this “on principle” is a pretty crappy principle. Just realize you are not alone. And if you need someone to talk to, I’m here to listen. I’m sure there are many people who love and care about you who are there to listen as well. So reach out to them. But aside from that, cheers!
What dating rules do you have if and when you go dating? If you are already coupled off, which of the dating rules here did you find the funniest? What things have made you laugh the most during this time?
If you liked this dating during the Coronapocalypse post, you should check out some of my other satire or dating posts. Then click the like button and leave us a note in the comments. Definitely, share with a friend or two. And finally, follow us here to get the latest crazy-making, satirical, parenting, food, fitness, Southern California, and lifestyle blogs we do here all the time. And thank you for checking in with us.
Until next time, please remember rule number 9. Because really it’s a rule which always applies.
David Elliott, The Single Dad’s Guide to Life