Happy Friday to all of you out there. I want to thank you for stopping by here at the Guide. We always love knowing that we are appreciated. And if you get to laugh along the way, we like that too. Just be careful not to be drinking milk while you read us here. Because shooting milk up your nostrils isn’t funny. You know it. I know it. The whole world knows it. So, if you haven’t read my treatise on Black Friday, please do. Just avoid the milk. But beyond this, I figured it was time to put out my list of gifts to get for dad this holiday season. So welcome to the Single Dad’s Guide to Christmas Gifts for dad. Although you might want to avoid the milk.
So when it came down to gifts for dad, I went out of my way to figure out which gifts were good for dad, and which gifts worked better as door stoppers. (Making sure to recommend the best door stoppers imaginable of course.) I know you remember doorstoppers of the past. Whether it be that awful Christmas tie you gave your dad three Christmases ago, or whether it be the brand new desktop computer with the brilliant Windows 8 operating system, many gifts given outlive their usefulness the moment they are opened up from the Christmas box.
But what are you supposed to give your father for Christmas? Sometimes dad feels like one of the great mysteries of life, not unlike Area 51 or why hot dogs come in packs of ten and buns in packs of eight. (I think it’s a secret conspiracy to make you eat at least 40 hot dogs. But what do you think?) We here at the Guide wanted to eliminate the mystery of you behind dads and help you with some of those shopping decisions.
Hence, the Guide felt like it needed to come up with a good list for you to go out there with when shopping with your father so you didn’t feel like your eighth Christmas tie to dad will meet their seven brothers at the bottom of the sock drawer, only to be trotted out next Christmas along with the ugly Christmas sweater. (And you can’t bear to see your dad wearing your tie with that Christmas sweater one more year.) We figured we could help you eliminate your holiday confusion with a list of the ten best things to get for your dad this Christmas holiday; and then throw the list away and give you this list instead, because we thought it was funnier. So without further ado, the Guide presents our Christmas Holiday list for dads.
The Single Dad’s Guide To Life’s 10
Best Funniest Christmas Gifts For Dad
For the big brother in all of us, welcome to Google Home and Amazon Echo. Whether you want to encourage big brother into spying on you, or whether you want your dad to be able to find that big brother in himself, the Amazon Echo and Google Home is the perfect gift to give for you. I remember when seeing this initially, I thought that these services were Siri writ large. But in truth, both of these products are so much more. They keep track of all your questions. They control all of your household features. And ultimately they record all of your dialogs whether to them or to other people in the room. And someday soon they will be advertising their services for cool tools to you based on everything you have been saying. Cool right? No? You could always try buying the Davidnator instead.
Help your dad get out his inner destroyer inside himself. Whatever you feel about guns, there is nothing you do with a slingshot, aside from killing Giants taunting your country, except to break things. And we all want our dad to break more things right? What? You mean that you are upset that your dad broke your trophy when he came in to wake you up for school? Or you remember the last time your dad came over for Thanksgiving dinner with you and your husband and he broke your favorite china gravy boat. Well, encourage your dad to take his destructive tendencies outdoors and get him the great Desktop Wood slingshot. Nothing could go wrong there, right?
Because in a world where all kinds of allegations between people are being bandied about by various people, encouraging secrecy is totally the way to go. Because all the mysteries of the universe should happen back in your dad’s garage. Ok, maybe you don’t understand what that lug wrench or you get scared when you look at the welder he has in the corner. But you need to help him out by making sure the calendars on his walls are at the very least R-rated fare. Or make sure to encourage him to go full Ted Kasczyszky in the back, enabling him to make plans to destroy the military industrial complex. You know you want to. Ok, maybe guys do need their own personal space. But you still need to make sure what goes on in the garage does get the chance to see the world every once in a while. Everyone will be better for it.
Ok, so I am not anti-alcohol here. I do drink. And I have enjoyed a good whiskey now and again. It’s probably the most dangerous drink I will touch because when mixed with other liquids I don’t notice the effects until it’s too late. But I do drink and enjoy myself. But going out there and giving your dad this great Whiskey says to him, get down with your bad self. Be the Alcoholic that you always wanted to be, minus any sort of bad repercussions aside from your liver. Because you know how crazy we were and how much whiskey you needed to drink to get through us. Right? Right? And besides, a sign which states you run on love, laughter and water just wouldn’t be the same.
To go with the whiskey sign and the alcoholic dad in all of us, make sure to get yourself a beer bottle cap wall display. Make sure your dad can remember all those great nights like with those ten Heinekens and stealing the stop sign at the corner of your street. Or could you ever forget the time your dad opened up that bottle of Guinness right before trying to sing karaoke to all of your friends at your sweet sixteen party? Maybe you liked remembering that night because the owner of the hall you rented paid 1000 dollars to get your dad off the stage. (He was afraid of the hearing loss.) I suppose not all these gifts are purely bad. This truly would be a cool gift if you had one bottle cap for each country you visited with your dad and their local beer. So I guess it’s not all a bad idea. I’ll leave it up to you.
Wanting to encourage the chain smoker in all of us? Make sure to give us the Double Cigar Flask. With this in one hand, you will make sure not only to encourage your father with his lung cancer inducing habit, you will get to make sure he can share the habit with his best friend. Get him his favorite vanilla tipped stogies as he sits in his garage and makes sure you will never know about it. Just ignore that little bit of tobacco smell coming out from underneath the garage door. Just remember, what happens in the garage stays in the garage.
For the child who doesn’t have their dad ignore them enough, give them another piece of technology to keep them distracted. Give to your dad the gift that says I want you to cook for me and hey, look, a cool gadget, all at the same time. This way you are killing two birds with one stone. You no longer have to worry about what you are eating on Sundays when you visit your parents. And you can be considered the cool kid for the next fifteen minutes until someone gives your dad the 70″ UHDTV that he always wanted. (Stupid Ben thinking he could buy dad’s affection off with a TV screen. I hate that guy.) So buy the meat thermometer and avoid being Ben, whoever Ben is.
I know you were hoping you could get away with getting your dad that eight-track version of Aerosmith from the 70s but not even music centers carry that kind of ancient technology. Instead, buy them an album that requires they use a device that predates the eight-track. Because nothing says love like getting your dad a gift which will require him to search endlessly around stores to find these ancient devices. Or they might have to go to the pawn shop and see if someone still carries them. I think maybe a few antique dealers might carry them too. What? You hear records are making a comeback and album’s cost 50 dollars to purchase or more? Nevermind. Don’t get your dad the record. Give it to me instead. How about getting your dad a coaster? That’s disc-like too, isn’t it?
I truly wish I were making this gift up. I really do. Who in their right mind wants to continue to smell tobacco in a candle? I get pumpkins. And I get sweet things like apples or fruits. But a tobacco scented candle??? Really??? I guess. So for the dad who is the world’s preeminent chain smoker, hiding out from his wife and smoking his cigars in the bathroom, get him the tobacco and amber scented candle. So when his wife blames him for stinking up the place with his smoking and criticizes him for what an awful and disgusting habit he has formed, he can blame it all on the candle. He just better remember to light it on occasion even when he is not smoking or the fact that the candle hasn’t changed in size will be a dead giveaway that he has taken to smoking again.
For every dad who has to shoot the Kareem skyhook at the desk at his office with a wadded up piece of paper sent straight into a trash can. And for every dad with failed hoop dreams that yells at Lebron James for dissing his hometown team and railroading through every player on the way to the hoop. Have we got a gift for you? It will both give your dad the joy which only cussing out his favorite player on the Rocket’s can bring. And, as an added bonus, it will put your mother in a hospital with all the stress it induces to see your 60-year-old dad bouncing high in the air to make a slam dunk before coming down and wrecking his hip once again. But wait, there’s more. They will throw in the 5-inch diameter rubber ball for free. Heart attacks, hip replacements, and a rubber ball. What could be better?
And Now For The Real List . . .
Psych! Actually, I would probably purchase any and all of these at one point or another, except maybe the Whiskey slat sign. And the Tobacco-scented candle. Because eww!! Who in the world thought this would make a good gift? I am still trying to figure this one out. As with all things given, three things matter. Can it be put to good use? Is it thoughtful? And does it represent the relationship you have with your dad? I can like something all I want, but nothing says dad’s gift like being able to connect through a shared experience. My dad knows I love classic movies. And he loves David Lean films. So one year I took him to see Bridge on the River Kwai on the big screen. Not much was said when it was finished. But not much needed to be said. So when one birthday I got him a collectors edition of the movie, it meant so much more than just owning the film. It represented our shared experience. If you find an item like this on this list I provided, you can’t go wrong.
Continue The Conversation
So would you purchase any of the following on this list? Which ones would it be and why? What gifts have you gotten for your father in the past? And which things were the most meaningful to him and to yourself? I know there are a ton of gift lists out there. Which gifts have you seen that you were the most intrigued by? I would love to hear from you.
Like / Follow Me
If you liked this post, there are plenty of other humorous posts on the Guide to check out. Whether they be food posts, posts about Black Friday or one about the amazing invention, the Davidnator. All are worth reading. And please like this post at the end. I love knowing which posts connected with you and love to do follow-ups. Also, if you want regular updates, please follow me here at the Guide. Thank you for stopping by once again.
Until next time, this is me signing off.
David Elliott, Single Dad’s Guide to Life