When writing, most people believe you should have some experience with the things you write about in order to write effectively. Sure, some creative license can be taken in the details. But overall, writing comes from a place of experience and not ignorance. But I’ve never let such niceties stop me before, so here we are. I’m taking on the exciting world of Twitter and the insanity which goes with it. Welcome to Twitter, where you find the love of your life and hate them two seconds later. Twitter, land of mystery, and enchantment on the road to hell. So being the relatively fresh fish I am (3 and a half years), I’m here to take up the challenge to accurately describe the lunacy. People said It couldn’t be done. But I deny such truthful thinking. Welcome to Challenge Accepted: A Users Guide To the Twitterverse.
Of course, I could speak about the obvious things in the Twitterverse. We have messaging functions, like buttons, retweeting features, lists, analytics, DMs, DM rooms, etc. I could get into all the finer points of Twitter here. But I think enough has been written about them. Besides, all those commentaries will have to keep changing as Twitter frequently adjusts its policies. Delving into those weeds may be a fool’s errand.
With that in mind, I wanted to give you a real guide to the Twitterverse. Not the minutia of the technical aspects of Twitter. But the low down, dirty gossip. Since I know it’s why you are really here. You want to know about the people who inhabit the Twitterverse. What should you expect? Who should you run away from? And can you get a good glass of Irish Whiskey in the place? While I may not be able to help you with the last option, I can in fact give you a basic primer on the types of people you will find there. So you can decide whether the game of mutually assured destruction is worth the risk. Looking for what they won’t tell you on Twitter? It’s the user’s guide to the Twitterverse. Here we go. Three . . . Two . . . One . . .
Challenge Accepted: A User’s Guide To The Twitterverse
The Newbie
You can tell someone is a newbie when they sit on twitter with random likes, follows, and page views. They often click the like button with no thought as to why. And as they go along, they may start to comment on the odd post or two. With so much information flooding their senses, they feel overwhelmed as it all closes in on them. They more than likely have less than 100 followers. Or if they have more, they discovered that liking a bunch of profiles does wind up attracting more followers. But their ratios will feel off. Awkward attempts at flirting will get them the odd block.
The Lurkers
These people have been around a while, but they still just enjoy the voyeuristic nature of the program. Their follower counts may have evened out a bit. But they do not actually engage very much except the occasional heart with the occasional flame or devil horns posted. They are there for the amusement of getting on twitter without the engagement.
Mr. Male Organ
Any Guide to the Twitterverse would have to include this man. Let’s get real. Everyone knows that women receive these pictures from males at some crazy pace. Why it happens, I can only guess. For me, it comes down to two different possibilities. One, some women respond to this kind of engagement. And with the theory that the more you put yourself out there the greater number of women will respond. They just know it’s a matter of time before getting what they want. As gross as it makes me feel, this is one might be true for some.
The second and equally likely reason for doing this is that these males are the new flashers of the internet world. I know it’s been a while. But many a woman remembers the creepy guy in the trench coat who decides it’s time to expose themselves in public. Well, on the internet these males get to do that without the obvious problem of showing their heads at the same time. So it’s a smarter and creepier way of doing what these guys do. Whichever version of Mr. Male Organ you come across; he is prevalent on Twitter. Enter at your own risk.
The Blogger
That’s me on many days. And it’s the way I began on Twitter. Although I float back and forth between Mr. Blogger and a couple other of the Twitter types out there. As a blogger, you generally see promotions of other bloggers, plus a lot of things promoting posts as well as ads for products these people promote. The more successful bloggers will do less to promote others. But I cannot imagine their engagement with others will be all that substantial. They just have a large enough following not to care. But as engagement is something marketers are noticing, you might be having more bloggers engaging you in the near future.
Mr. Reply Guy (Otherwise known as Mr. Nice Guy.)
Every woman will tell you upfront they have their nice long list of reply guys out there. And if one of them goes missing, it’s almost like some kind of death took place. Especially if another woman stole their reply guy. The women and sometimes men of And battles to the death can take place on twitter over them.
However, Mr. Reply Guy is merely a nice guy. So, while the women may battle to the death over them, will Mr. Reply guy ever find the woman of his dreams? No. Because he’s a nice guy. Because he’s like the nice little puppy dog that people have on a leash and make them feel good about themselves because they love them unconditionally. But we all know the Nice guy never gets the girl, right? Right? Ok, maybe rarely but if you find yourself in this category the odds are likely not.
The Blue Check Crew
These are the compendium of people who have been verified with the vaunted blue check. Mostly, they won’t respond to you unless you challenge them in some fundamental way. They pronounce and rarely engage. If you like a person and want to know their thoughts, twitter isn’t a bad place for these people. Just don’t expect to get to know them in any real way. Because it won’t happen. No matter how many BabyYodalorians they might find funny. Yes, I’m speaking to you Freddy Prince Jr. (Ok, to be honest, he seems like a great guy. And that he engages at all makes him way better than 99.9 percent of the rest of the blue check crew.)
Mrs. Flirt
In the long run, Mrs. Flirt enjoys the attention you give them, but nothing will happen with them. She’s the most willing to take things to the edge, without going over. She will seduce you with a smile, and then leave you with a case of the unmentionables. And as long as you enjoy the attention, and she enjoys the attention, it’s all between adults here. One might ask why there isn’t a male variant of this category. I do not list one here because the married male version of this category won’t tell you they are married until you are already hooked. So, distinguishing them is practically impossible. Unless Mr. and Mrs. Flirt come as a pair. Then, unless you are a unicorn, you probably won’t find yourself within their sights.
Mr. And Ms. Flirt
They will be looking out into the world and flirting with any person they find of interest to them. This pair of flirts may be aggressive or non-aggressive, but they will flirt with whomever they choose. Probably many people simultaneously. Unlike the Players, they do not truly play the field. They are flirting, with possibly no intention of carrying it further. However, if they find that one person they really like, they will devote their attention to them, and their flirting will die down (although never all the way down). These pair of flirts can become attached to someone, possibly even to a fellow flirt. If you can handle their flirty ways, you have a keeper. Many cannot handle them though. So, know who you are and what you can handle.
Mr. And Ms. Player
In this Guide to the Twitterverse, Mr. and Mrs. Player might exist as a subcategory of the flirt. But they really need their own category. The player version of the flirts comes with more danger. One, they are not just flirting intensely with you. So, if you think that, you might become disillusioned quite quickly. They will drop you like a rock the moment something more interesting comes along. If you want to keep your sanity when talking to them, make sure you do not click any further into the conversations as you will catch them flirting with a litany of people. Ghosting is a pastime to many of them, although not necessarily their modus operandi.
Ultimately, for Mr. and Ms. Player, they will never be satisfied. No matter who you are or what you give them, they cannot. My most kind reading of them is they have been in damaged relationships in the past. These relationships make them so they cannot feel secure inside a good one. And as sad as that might be, fixing them should not be your agenda. Proceed with caution.
Mr. And Ms. Lonely Hearts
They might be the reply guys. They might just be a regular person with quite a following. Regardless, these people wear their hearts on their sleeves and will tell you what they feel. You have Mr. Nice guy and Ms. Sweetheart on the net. They have such beautiful qualities. And they will be your best friend. But they regularly miss out on something more. Maybe it’s because they have been pursuing Mr. and Mrs. Player too long who will make them feel wanted for a time. Or maybe it’s because they hung out with the flirts and live in the friend zone. They are out there. I do so hope they find each other. Because that would be beautiful.
The Political Wonk
In this Guide to the Twitterverse, some people always exist in a single category. Others can go in and out of various categories. The Political Wonk can be someone’s whole universe or only part of one. But a true political wonk is caught up in everything political. Whether from the right or left, they see everything in the vein of politics. This means if you agree with them, everything goes great. And if you disagree with them, may you burn in the 24 levels of hell. (Dante’s got nothing on me.) They are great if you want your slant of the news served up with a side of bacon in the morning. But they may make you long for the day when not everything is about politics. Then again, if everything is political, maybe they are a great read. Or you might just be a political wonk yourself.
The Catfish
If you want to find out more about them, you could always watch the Catfish TV series. But I break it down like this. There are many out there. They are interested in getting some level of attention from you. They will do whatever they can to connect with you. And once they have reached that level, they will maintain that level of connection for as long as they can. They have become junkies of a sort. A kind of relationship junkie. But this junkie is all about the lie. There might be a kernel of truth inside it all. Obviously, the best lies contain truth inside them. Their lies exist on a whole other plane. Everything from their picture to their gender and the color of their hair is most likely fake. Hence, you always feel used at the end of the day.
Once the big reveal comes, you will feel they robbed you of your most valuable asset: time. And all of those feelings come crashing down because you realize you fell in love with someone from your imagination. There is no one-size-fits-all for catfish other than their being fake. But a true catfish most likely will not ask you for money, which makes them more dangerous emotionally than the next category.
The Scammers
One would think in this Guide to the Twitterverse, the catfish would be the worst. But scammers are catfish who kick it up a notch. They want to catfish you so they can get your money. They are usually easier to spot than the catfish. Because the catfish is content with where they are. The scammer realizes their time to take money from an account is short. They will do whatever they can to get you off twitter and onto another platform. They will “fall in love with you” faster than is possible. Most likely their grammar leaves something to be desired. And finally, they have a poor following to follower ratio. The higher that is, the most likely they are mass messaging people to get your info.
The Porn Star
There are some women who honestly engage with people to get to know their audience and whatever their reasons for being on whatever services they use, they genuinely care about the people they get to know. A porn star is not one of those people. These “stars” have ridiculous “following to follower” ratios. They may have some other service to “get to know them.” But they won’t engage with you on twitter. Because you must pay to play to get to know these people. Twitter is merely a means to get you to pay for some other service.
The Bending But Not Quite Broken
Due to a former ghost, I won’t use the term broken here. I get it. Broken confers a permanent state of affairs. People here aren’t permanently broken. But they are hurting even if their twitter timeline suggests otherwise. They have dealt with a cruel person in their life. Possibly on twitter, although not necessarily. If their hurt came outside of twitter then these people come to twitter and appreciate the validation they get, but once things take a serious turn, or the interest turns serious, you may get the cold shoulder. They aren’t really ready for that.
For those who get hurt on Twitter, they will do the flirting thing, but they never let things go too far. And if you get to know them, they won’t really be interested. Or something really must take them by storm for them to become interested. A really fine line must be walked here to connect with this person. They will eventually get out of this state of mind. But if you bark up the wrong tree here before they are ready, even if they were interested, you will be friend-zoned.
The Lovely Hurting
This person in this Guide to the Twitterverse is a category everyone will recognize but defies giving it a name. It’s possible we have all found ourselves in this lovely category. This category is for those who get hurt and then get hurt again, but they keep trying. They want to find love out there. And they keep putting themselves out for such, but they keep getting hurt. Unlike the lonely hearts, these people don’t bear it in silence. You will feel their pain and their joy at the prospect of a new relationship. It can be a roller coaster sometimes for them, but they are good people.
The Aggrieved
Watch out for these people. They can seem like the kindest people at first. They are welcoming, loving, and social. You will start to get attached to them until the one moment of failure. Let’s look at it plainly. Most people fail. So, will you. At some point. When this happens to you, and it will, the Aggrieved comes in and tries to rip you to shreds until your self-worth becomes nothing but a shell of its empty self. Doesn’t matter that they too have been guilty of things you could name. And it doesn’t matter about the context of what you did or any of your reasons for doing it. You now shall be made to pay for your sins. Can you get back into their good graces after your grievance? Probably not. Because now you have been branded. Should you want to? That’s a good question indeed.
The Genuine Soul
On Twitter, one might begin to ask whether there are any out there. And on certain days of the week ending in “day”, I begin to wonder myself. But that’s not fair. I have met some genuine souls out there. They really do exist despite all the evidence to the contrary. Sure, they have some bad days. They may be the Lovely hurting one day, or a reply guy the next. But they are truly out there. They are honest, open, and will have your back at a moment’s notice. These are who we wish to find on twitter every day. And we hope to be them ourselves. And the ones you find out there, hold onto. They truly make Twitter the beautiful place it can be.
Wrapping Up Challenge Accepted: A Users Guide To The Twitterverse
I am sure I could spend forever subdividing this ridiculous list of people on Twitter. I could probably do it until I found myself with a dizzying array of individuals with all their goals and aspirations laid bare. Or really, I would just be confusing and confounding this post until you all wondered whether every single person on this list was you, minus the blue check crew.
What I really wanted to do is give you a primer into the wild and scary world of Twitter. The people who exist and lurk in amongst the pages. Giving you a list of things to watch out for. Whether for the good or the bad, I leave it up to you. And knowing is half the battle . . . or so G.I. Joe says.
As for me, I started a lurker, became a blogger, and found myself in and out of a few of those categories a time or two, minus the blue check crew and a couple of others. And I found a good group of people. Some genuine. Some flirts and genuine. All I would give the shirt off my back to, even if some would like that for the wrong reasons. Or maybe the right ones. They support and uplift one another. And I hope I do that for them. You can find them as well if you take the time to look.
Taking On Challenge Accepted: A Users Guide To The Twitterverse
Which of these people have you met on people so far? Do you have any other type of person you believe should be on this list, and why? Where would you describe yourself on this list?
If you liked this guide to the Twitterverse post, you might want to read my Confessions of a Twitter Addict. Little silly. Lots of fun. Then click the like button and leave us a note in the comments. Share with some of your friends. And finally, follow us here at the Guide to get the latest craziness we have going on here every week. Thank you for stopping by.
Until next time, Via con Dios. Or Twitter will eat you alive.
David Elliott, The Single Dad’s Guide to Life
