52368-img_5985

So I was talking to my daughter this week and as things are bound to come up, we have a wide variety of topics with which we discuss. You know those deep topics like what her favorite flavor of ice cream is, or whether pepperoni or sausage is the best pizza topping.  I try to figure out about what’s going on with her school and she tries to find out whether her dog Oreo is getting enough exercise. (Dog park here I come.)

So in the course of the topics we covered, somehow the Smurfs get brought up.  You know the Smurfs, those blue creatures who had names that were directly associated with their personalities. All except Surmfette, who was created instead of . . . how exactly do the Smurfs come to be?  So we started talking about the new Smurf movie that is going to come out. How will Demi Lovato compare with Katy Perry?  What will Papa Smurf sound like for this movie?  And what is up with that new secret Smurf village?

And then she says,”I have a theory.”

A theory? Hmmm… This could be interesting.  They have whole TV shows on kid theories. But being a parent I knew I had to find out.

“What’s that?” I asked.

“I think the secret Smurf Village is where all the Smurf women are.”

I thought for a few seconds; and then thought some more.

“Smurfette was just created. The rest of the Smurfs had to get here somehow.”

She was right. The Smurfs had to come into being in some way.  They weren’t all Gargamel’s creations.  If he had created all of them he’d have their powers anyway. He wouldn’t need them.  This doesn’t exactly solve the problem of there just being one Papa Smurf.  This also doesn’t answer my question about the nature of the Smurf names. (Did Papa Smurf name them those names causing them to have those personalities, which makes Papa Smurf a monster. Clumsy and Vanity Smurf? I rest my case.  Or was Papa Smurf prescient about what his Smurfs would turn out to be? Is Papa Smurf God then? That’s a whole other blog post.). But it could solve where all the rest of the Smurfs might have come from.

It made me think about all of the crazy theories that can be out there.  I could just come up with more wild theories that my daughter or other kids come up with, but everyone does that.  So I started thinking about the nature of theories. And as adults we have our own wild theories, only at our age we call them conspiracy theories.  I started thinking about why we believe in them and where they come from.  Maybe they are just a continuation of the need to believe in something and to explain things to ourselves that don’t make sense. And in that vein, I figured I would come up with a top 10 list of conspiracy theories. This is my list so feel free to argue with it. I’ll countdown from ten to one.

Number 10 – Ferris Bueller in the movie does not exist. He is really the Fight Club version of Tyler Durden. He is merely Cameron’s ego expressing itself. Cameron has an interesting relationship with the girlfriend then.  And what to make of the sister . . . Whatever the case,  I just don’t remember Cameron punching himself in the face.

Number 9 – The Big Lebowski is haunted. Donny is a figment of Walters imagination. He passed away years before.  The Dude only addresses him once and it’s possible it was done just to placate Walter. Of course, then the question is did Donny exist at all?  And what is in the mind of Walter that he imagines Donny?  Is it some strange conflict within because of the divorce from his ex? Whatever the reason, the Dude still abides.

Number 8 – Fluoridation is an illuminati plot to make people more compliant to accept a new world order and complete control over our lives. I knew that there was something wrong with dentists.  They are hiding their real purpose by causing us to like the fluoride treatment after they torture us. It’s like good cop bad cop, with fluoride.  Dr. Strangelove, here I come!!!

Number 7 – RFID chips will soon be inserted into humans just like they do with animals and library books. As a librarian, I never knew that we were all a part of the new world order where they can track our every move. I’m still curious as to when they will install these chips and if it will be optional. Will they force it on babies or give the parents a choice? Like circumcision, yes, RFID chip, no.

Number 6 – William Randolph Hearst and several other newspaper magnates were responsible for the elimination of hemp and pot because they were afraid that it would compete with paper products and limit the value of paper. I can only imagine what elementary school would have been like as we wrote on sheets of hemp…. hmmmm…. I guess it would make for a more compliant class, even if no one understood math.

Number 5 – The United States was actively engaged in creating a Tsunami Bomb. We were engaged in this research which eventually lead to the tsunami that occurred in the Indian Ocean in 2004. With the one that happened in Japan later, the US has been really busy with these crazy Tsunamis. Wait!  We created a nuclear catastrophe in the region, and possible worse fallout? What Tsunami bomb?

Number 4 – The Apollo moon landings were all staged in a Hollywood studio to cover up what really happened on the moon. Did we meet with the Russians there and divide up the planet? Did they find mass graves on the moons with human skeletons? (Another lunar, or shall we say looney, theory) Only the black helicopters will ever know.

Number 3 – Area 51 has been hiding all the secrets of the alien invasion for years. From the Roswell Landing to other nefarious projects by these aliens, Area 51 has it all.  These aliens have engaged in all sorts of illicit activities.  Crop circle formations? Special alien technology.  Abductions to run human testing in order to create a new super being? The reasons for midnight disappearances.   I’m not really sure I can swallow this one. Wait a second!  We do have President Trump. His super orange being has indoctrinated millions of Americans. Maybe I am being convinced. . .

Number 2 – The government of the United States had advanced knowledge of the bombings at Pearl Harbor and purposefully allowed it to happen in order to benefit the war industries in the US as they would make millions from the coming war. Instead of warning those at Pearl Harbor they just let it happen. If that’s true then Roosevelt’s statement about December 7th, 1941 is the understatement of the century.  It would be an infamous day like no other.

And last but certainly not least . . .

Number 1 – The Coca-Cola Company specifically introduced the color of Santa’s red suit as it perfectly matched the color of the Coca-Cola Cans. I’m thinking that the Santa outfit should have one of those big tags on it saying, “Sponsored by Coca-Cola.”  It all makes sense now.  People deride Christmas as being commercial, when it was all a commercial project in the first place.  With holidays like Valentines Day and Sweetest Day engineered by the candy and greeting card companies, it seems totally plausible. I wonder if they had anything to do with Rudolph and possibly the color of his nose.

I just thought that this was a fun list. I know I could have gone with JFK but that was just too easy a target. You can argue with the order or come up with some of your own. I’d love to hear them.

David Elliott, Single Dad’s Guide to Life